Sayings

1. My first wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't!

2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I used to work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

11. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13. NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why is the room spinning-medicine.

14. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

15. God must love stupid people. He made so many.

16. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

21. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

22. Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

23. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

24. Procrastinate Now

25. Rehab Is for Quitters My Dog Can Lick Anyone

26. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries with That?

27. Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

28. Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names

29. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

30. MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

31. A hangover is the wrath of grapes

32. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

33. DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music

34. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

35. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

36. Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog

37. FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

38. HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

39. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

40. The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

41. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

42. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

43. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

44. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

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