Posted to Rec.Humor By: H.L. Mencken (thomjeff@earthlink.net)
Archived By: Derek Cashman (dcashman@concentric.net)
(with apologies to Thomas Jefferson)
When things get so f**ked up dat de homeboys of a country gots to cut loose from some other country, and go it on dere own hook, without askin’ no permission from nobody, exceptin’ maybe God Almighty, den dey oughtta let eberybody know why dey do it, so dat everybody can see dey ain’t tryin’ to put nuttin’ over on nobody.
All we gots to say on dis proposition is dis: first, me and you is as good as anybody else, and maybe a damn sight better; second, nobody ain’t gots no right to take away none o’ our rights; third, ebery homeboy has gots a right to live, to come and go as he please, and to hab a good time whicheber way he like, so long as he don’t interfere with nobody else. Dat any gubmint dat don’t gib a homeboy dem rights ain’t worth a f**k; also, homeboys oughts to choose the kind of gubmint dey want demself, and nobody else ought to hab no say in de matter. Dat wheneber any gubmint don’t do this, den de homeboys hab got a right to gib it the bum’s rush and put in one dat will take care ob dere interests. Ob course, dat don’t mean habin’ a rebolution every day like dem South American motherf***ers, or ebry time some jobholder goes to work and does somethin’ he ain’t gots no bidness to do. It is better to stand a little graft, etc., den to hab rebolutions all de time, like any homeboy dat wasn’t an anarchist or one of dem I.W.W.’s would say de same. But when things gets so bad dat a homeboy ain’t hardly got no rights at all no mo’, but you might almost call him a slave, den everybody oughts to get together and throw de motherf***ers out, and put in new ones who won’t carry on so high and steal so much, and den watch dem. Dis is de proposition de people of dese Colonies is up against, and dey hab gots tired of it, and won’t stand it no mo’. De administration of de present King, George III, been rotten from de start, and when anybody kick about it he always try to get away with it by strong-arm work. Here be some of de s**t he pull:
He veto bills in de Legislature dat everybody was fo’, and hardly nobody was against.
He wouldn’t allow no law to be pass without it was first put up to him, and den he stick it in his pocket and let on he forget about it, and didn’t pay attention to no kicks.
When homeboys went to work and gone to him and ask him to put through a law about dis or dat, he give them dere choice: either dey has to shut down de Legislature and let him pass it all by hisself, or dey couldn’t hab it at all.
He make de Legislature meet at one-horse tank-towns, so dat hardly nobody could get dere and most ob the leaders would stay home and let him go to work and do things like he wanted.
He give the Legislature de air, and sent de members home ebery time dey stood up to him and gib him a call-down or bawl him out.
When a Legislature was busted up he wouldn’t allow no new one to be elected, so dat dere wasn’t nobody left to run things, but anybody could walk in and do whatever dey please.
He try to scare people outen movin’ into dese States, and make it so hard for a wop or one of dese here kikes to get his papers dat he would rather stay home and not try it, and den, when he come in, he wouldn’t let him hab no land, and so he either go home again or neber come.
He monkey with de courts, and didn’t hire enough judges to do de work, and so a man had to wait so long for his case to come up dat he got sick ob waiting, and went home, and so neber got what be comin’ to him.
He get de judges under his thumb by turning dem out when dey done anything he didn’t like, or by holdin’ up dey salaries, so dat dey had to knuckle down or not gets no money.
He make a lot o’ new jobs, and gib dem to motherf***ers dat nobody know nothin’ about, and de poor people had to pay de bill, whether they could or not.
Without no war goin’ on, he keep an army loafin’ around de country, no matter how much homeboys kicked about it.
He let de army run things to suit theyself and never pay no attention whatsoever to nobody which didn’t wear no uniform.
He let motherf***ers run loose, from God know where, and gib dem de say in eberything, and let dem put ober such things as de following:
Ebery time he has went to work and pulled any of dese things, we have went to work and put in a kick, but ebery time we hab went to work and put in a kick he has went to work and did it again. When a homeboy keep on handing out such bulls**t all de time, all you can say is dat he ain’t got no class and ain’t fitten to hab no authority ober homeboys who hab got any rights, and he ought to be kicked out.
When we complain to the English we didn’t get no mo’ satisfaction. Almost every day we gives dem plenty o’ warnin’ dat de politicians over dere was doin’ things to us dat dey didn’t hab no right to do. We kept on remindin’ dem who we was, and what we was doin’ here, and how we come to come here. We ask them to get us a square deal, and tell dem dat if dis thing keep on we’d have to do somethin’ about it and maybe dey wouldn’t like it. But de more we talk, de more dey didn’t pay no attention to us. Derefore, if dey ain’t fo’ us dey must be agin us, and we be ready to gib dem de fight o’ dere lives, or to shake hands when it be over.
Therefore be it resolved, That we, de representatives of de homeboys of de United States of America, in Congress assembled, hereby declare as follows: Dat de United States, which be de United Colonies in former times, be now a free country, and ought to be; dat we have throwed out de English King and don’t wan’t to hab nothin’ to do with him no mo’, and ain’t takin’ no mo’ English orders no mo’; and dat, being as we be now a free country, we can do anything dat free countries can do, especially declare war, make peace, sign treaties, go into business, etc., And we swear on de Bible on dis proposition, one and all, and agree to stick to it no matter what happen, whether we win or we lose, and whether we get away with it or get de worst ob it, no matter whether we lose all our property by it or eben get hung fo’ it.
Now, there's a massacre of the, "King's English."
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