Court One-Liners

~ When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

~ I don't buy temporary insanity as a murder defense. Because people kill people. That's an animal instinct. I think breaking into someone's home and ironing all their clothes is temporary insanity.

~ We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.

~ I have a great dog. She's half Lab, half Pit Bull. The good combination. Sure, she might bite off my leg. But she'll bring it back to me.

~ A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passerby asked him why he bought that kind of dog. The cowboy answered, "Somebody told me to get along little doggie."

~ I have a Rottweiler so mean, he ate the neighbor's weenie dog. Now he's a Bratweiler.

~ Never tell your computer that you're in a hurry.

~ "The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver." -- Jay Leno

~ We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us.

~ There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

~ Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?"

~ The best vacation is one where you want to get back to work because you're in no condition to continue relaxing.

~ Some workers claim their real vacation is when the boss takes his.

~ You needn't worry about taking a vacation, but you should get a little concerned when you come back and discover that no one noticed you were gone.

~ If it weren't for summer vacations think how many mosquitoes would starve to death.

~ After traveling with your family you begin to appreciate your co-workers more. At least your co-workers go to the bathroom before you leave.

~ If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

~ "The value of life can be measured by how many times your soul has been deeply stirred." -- Soichiro Honda

~ Ever wonder if the light goes out when you close the fridge door?

~ Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot.

~ Every child has many wishes. Some include a wallet, two chicks and a cigar, but that's another story.

~ "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture." -- Thelonius Monk

~ If you read a dictionary, you'll be really smart. If you eat a dictionary, you'll be really full.

~ Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

~ An eternity is very, very long, especially towards the end.

~ Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world looks sheepish and suddenly remembers it had other plans.

~ BURMA-SHAVE ROAD SIGN The one who drives when he's been drinking Depends on you to do his thinking.

~ "A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home." -- Rodney Dangerfield

~ "Your expression is the most important thing you can wear." -- Sid Ascher

~ "By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." -- Joey Adams

~ Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

~ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

~ Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

~ Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

~ Why ARE Trix only for kids?

~ If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

~ If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

~ If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

~ Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

~ Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None! They never get the house!

~ Did you know that the author of the book "Joy of Sex" died?

After a series of strokes!

~ "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open." -- Groucho Marx

~ Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

~ Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?

It finally dawned on her.

~ Did you hear about the blonde that went to the library and checked out a book called "How to Hug?"

Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia...

[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

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