Helpful Hints

Helpful Hint #1

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Helpful Hint #2

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!

Helpful Hint #3

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a >handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Helpful Hint #4

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Helpful Hint #5

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

Helpful Hint #6

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Helpful Hint #7

High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Helpful Hint #8

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Helpful Hint #9

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

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