Wisdom

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

2. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

6. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

9. There are two sides to every divorce, Yours and shithead's.

10. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!!

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

13. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

15. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

16. Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

17. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

18. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

19. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

20. The next time you feel like complaining remember Your garbage disposal probably enjoys a better diet than thirty percent of the people in this world.

21. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

22. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

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