Letter from the president

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.
February 19, 2002

Dear Concerned Citizen,

 Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and El Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay,Cuba.

  My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that,
thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division
of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept
Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

  In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has
been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily-armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

  Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving
meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also,
these should "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the bright side... no increase in the toilet paper
bill!

  He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that
hasn't been completely remedied.

  Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage:
"Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is sociopathic and
extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as
his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.

  He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative
so not to worry.

  We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Be
sure to give special consideration to his depraved upbringing, as he never
really had a chance to function properly in the Muslim world. He has special
needs so please be empathic and understanding. Who knows with a lot of hard work and caring on your part, perhaps he'll grow up and attend a flight
training school right in your home town.

  Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured that he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead. Thanks again for your letter.

  We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us
informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each
other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be
sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to
your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better. Don't be
concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your
property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 federal laws,
codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

  Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed and remember...we'll be watching.

Cordially,
George W. Bush
President
United States of America

 

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