One Liners

1. Closest I ever got to a 4.0 in collage was my Blood Alcohol content 
2. Marriage changes Passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative 
3. I live in my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me there 
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on it. I said 'Implants' 
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast. 
6. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
7. I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner. 
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the Terminal? 
9. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. 
10. The most precious thing we have is Life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value 
11. There are two sides to every Divorce: Yours and Shitheads. 
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of Hand Grenades... now that's a message. 
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
14. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 
15. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately. 
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I stayed alive. 
17. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just 1 busted condom? 
18. If carrot! s are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway 
19. Welcome to Shit Creek~ Sorry, we're out of Paddles 
20. How come we chose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 
22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 
23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 
24. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the world. 
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been" !

 

 

 

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