Miscellaneous Jokes

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ...  It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss.  The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning.  One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies.  Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed .. My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.  I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.  I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will.  He said, Will!?  What will?  I'm making a list of the people I want to bite.

13. At a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

14. On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a plumbing company in Duluth: "Don't sleep with a drip.  Call your plumber."

15. Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

16. Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

17. In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!  Stay!"

18. Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose."

19. On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

20. In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

21. On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

22. At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

23. In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully.  We'll wait."

 

 

 

[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

---