<![CDATA[
From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington Post -- a contest
was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day
of work. </p>
<ol>
<li>If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today. </li>
<li>When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. </li>
<li>I set half of the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour on Saturday and have spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, in which I relived Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity
of the power source of exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while
simultaneously whacking my dog on the snout with a rolled up newspaper.
Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.</li>
<li>My stigmata's acting up. </li>
<li>I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? </li>
<li>I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...</li>
<li>I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the super
market. </li>
<li>Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling. </li>
<li>Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. </li>
<li>I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing that my employee records may now contain false
information. </li>
<li>The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. </li>
<li>The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. </li>
<li>I prefer to remain an enigma. </li>
<li>My step sister has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day off should do it. </li>
<li>I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation. </li>
<li>I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. </li>
<li>I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. </li>
<li>I refuse to travel to my job in this district until there is a
commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share! </li>
<li>I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead! </li>
<li>I was visited by an angel last night and he told me that Christ would
be making his second coming today. If He stops by and I am not here, I
will be doomed to Hell for sure.]]>
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Unless otherwise noted, all photos and text is Copyright © Richard G Lowe, Jr.
