Short Jokes 

• What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
  One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
  You cry when you cut up an onion.
• What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
  God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
• You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?
  Shoot the lawyer twice.
• Do you know what lawyers and sperm have in common?
  It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
  A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
• What's the difference between a porcupine and a lawyer's car?
  A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
• What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
  Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a whore?
  A whore will stop screwing you when you're dead.
• Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
  From chasing parked ambulances.
• Where can you find a good lawyer?
  In the cemetery
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
  A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of feces?
  The bucket.
• A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.
  The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
  A vampire only sucks blood at night.
• Why to lawyers wear neckties?
  To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
• What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
  When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
• What can a duck do that a goose can't and a lawyer should?
  Stick his bill up his ass.
• What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
  An offer you can't understand
• What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pig?
  Nothing there are just some things a pig won't do.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
  • A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
  • Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
  • Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out.
• What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
  • Vultures will eat the skunk.
  • Skid marks in front of the skunk!
• What is a criminal lawyer?
  Redundant.
• What are lawyers good for?
  They make used car salesmen look good.
• What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
  A Doberman pinscher.
• What did the lawyer name his daughter?
  Sue.
• How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
  His lips move.
• How do you save a drowning lawyer?
  Take your foot off his head.
• What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
  His partners.
• What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
  A good start.
• What is the first thing you should do if you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
  Get more cement.
• Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep after they die?
  Because deep, deep, deep down, they are really nice people.
• If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
  It might be your bicycle.
• Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
  The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
• How do you know if a lawyer is cold?
  He has his hands in his own pockets.
• What is the definition of a "shame" (as in "that's a shame")?
  When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
• What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
  There was an empty seat.
• Why does a lawyer wear a tie?
  To keep the foreskin from slipping over his head
• What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
  Your Honor
• What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
  Skeet
• How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
  Cut the rope
• How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
  Check the knot in the rope
• What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
  You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
• How do you tell if a lawyer is actually dead?
  Hold out your wallet. (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred)
• Why won't a shark attack a lawyer swimming in the ocean?
  Professional courtesy.
• Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York all the lawyers?
  New Jersey had first pick.
• Did you hear about the lion walking through the woods eating deer droppings?
  He had just eaten a lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of his mouth!
• How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder and the other one to sue the ladder company.
• What do lawyers use for birth control?
  Their personalities
• What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
  Another lawyer
• Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
  To practice
• Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
  Both have hearts like stones.
• What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
  Lipstick.
• Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
  To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
• Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
  If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

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