Never Say ... Never Do

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. - Anonymous

Never accept a drink from a urologist. - Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. - Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

Never say "Oops" in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. -Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. - Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh cow dropping on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. - Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. - Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. - G.K.Chesterton

Never use while sleeping. - Instruction on Conair hair dryer

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" - Rita Rudner

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. - Woodrow Wilson

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. - Winston Churchill

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. - John Peers

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. - Geraldo Rivera

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. - Ruth Gordon

Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. - American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors

[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

---