The Canonical List of Surgeon Jokes

(Preface from original Canonical list site)

A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip.  The businessman got the
best bone surgeon in town to do the operation.  The operation consisted of
lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it.  The operation
went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000.
The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding
an itemized list of the costs.  The doctor sent back a list with two things:

1 screw                   $   1
Knowing how to put it in  $4999
                          $5000 total

The businessman never argued.

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   "What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her
compartment.
   "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.
   "Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days!"

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How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

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   A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
   Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and
tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."
   "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient.
   "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son."
   "Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears.
   "But the good news," the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and
you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!"

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Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:
Oops.
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night.  I can't remember WHEN I've been that drunk.

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Charles Erickson, 65, won $95,000 in a La Crosse, Wis., trial in March because a
6-inch clamp was left inside his body after a lung operation.  Erickson said he
had not planned to sue, but then Lutheran Hospital sent him a bill for the
subsequent operation, which was soley to remove the clamp.

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   At an international meeting, to surgeons were having an argument.  The Indian
surgeon was saying, "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba"
   The African surgeon is saying, "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm"
   They go on like this for about 10 minutes.  Up comes the English surgeon, and
interrupts them.  "Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are
trying to say is "Womb."
   After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says, "I bet you
he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water.

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Did you hear about the surgeon who used to be a collegiate quarterback that was
   bumped in the middle of doing a circumcision?
He slipped and got the sack!

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   An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing their
respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening.  The English fellow
mentioned how that British medicine had progressed so far that doctors recently
had taken a single liver and cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into
six separate men in need of a healthy liver.  This had resulted in six new
workers in the job market.
   At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had cut a lung
into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people in need of healthy
lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the job market.
   Not to be outdone, the American said, "That's nothing.  In the U. S., we took
one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million people in the
market for a job!"

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   A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get
to the valves.  A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to
observe the process.  After they introduced themselves, they began talking and
the talk turned to their lines of work.
   "You know, doctor," the professor said, "I sometimes believe this type of
work is complicated as the work we do."
   "Perhaps," the surgeon replied.  "But let's see him do it when the engine is
running."

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   At a party, an Israeli doctor says, "Medicine is so advanced in our country,
that we can take a kidney from one person, and put it into another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks."
   A German doctor says, "We can take the heart and the lungs from a cadaver,
and transplant them into a living person, and he'll be looking for work in three
months."
   An American social worker says, "We took a quarter million assholes from the
USSR, and transplanted them to Brighton Beach, and not a single one is looking
for work!"

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   After the microsurgeons congress in New York, the leading surgeons sat in a
bar and drank some beer.  When they got loaded, they began bragging about their
greatest triumphs.
   The first surgeon, an Australian, told, "We once had a guy that had been
squashed in a press in a printing works house last year. The only thing that was
left was the left little finger. Our team of surgeons managed to construct a new
hand, they built a new arm and a new body, so that when he finally went back to
work, he became so efficient that he made five people unemployed.
   That's nothing, said an American surgeon.  We had a worker that got stuck in
a nuclear reactor.  The only thing that was left was the hair.  We made a new
head, a new body and new organs, and then we sent him back to the working life.
He got so efficient that he made 50 people unemployed.
   The Swedish surgeon didn't want to be any worse so he said, "One day, when I
was out walking I felt the smell of a fart.  I put the fart in a bag and carried
it to the hospital, let it out on the table and started working.  First we
wrapped the fart in an asshole, built a new ass and attached a body to it.
Finally, it became a man named Carl Bildt (Swedish prime minister) and he's
making a whole fucking country unemployed.

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Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.
There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists,
proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your
hole.  They make an entire career out of that hole.  And if the ear doctor, nose
doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends
you to a surgeon.  Why?  So he can make a new hole!

[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

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