(Preface from original Canonical list site)
Psychiatrist: 1) Mind-sweeper. 2) Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. Psychiatry: The care of the id by the odd.
Patient: Doctor, I'm manic-depressive. Psychiatrist: Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm... etc.
Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality. Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.
Psychiatrist: What is your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother? Sister: He thinks he's a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.
Wife: Doctor, my husband thinks he's a horse. Psychiatrist: He is just probably a little stressed out and needs some rest. Wife: But he kicks chairs and eats grass and do not even sleep in the bed. Psychiatrist: Well, in that case, it looks like he may need a lot of help, but it may cost quite a lot of money for prolonged treatment. Wife: Oh you don't have to worry about the money part. Last Sunday, my husband won the horserace!
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards! Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I'll deal with you later.
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge... Psychiatrist: What's come over you? Patient: Two trucks, five cars...
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin. Psychiatrist: Don't talk such rubbish.
Patient: Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow. Psychiatrist: Don't let people push you around.
Patient: Doctor, I can't stop stealing things. Psychiatrist: Take these pills. They should help you. Patient: But what if they don't? Psychiatrist: Pick up a Rolls for me.
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain. Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball. Psychiatrist: Get to the end of the queue (cue).
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible. Psychiatrist: Who said that?
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good, you should come see my collection. I've got hundreds of 'em.
"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasted a psychiatrist, "and Medicare pays for both of them!"
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nothing wrong with that. I like sausages too. Patient: Sexy beasts, aren't they?
A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows a patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?" The patient replies, "Two people are having sex in the middle of the circular room." The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you see?" Patient answers, "Two people are having sex in the square room." The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks, "What do you see now?" Patient replies, "Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?"
Man: Doctor, my wife thinks she's a refrigerator! Psychiatrist: Don't worry, it will pass. Man: But, doctor, when she sleeps with her mouth open, that damn light bugs me!
Patient: Doctor, last night I dreamt I was a teepee. The night before, I dreamt I was a wigwam. Psychiatrist: Relax. You're too tense. (two tents)
Hypnotist: Okay, Mr. Henry, when I say wake up you will no longer be shy but full of confidence and be able to speak your mind... Wake up! Patient: Right, you! How about giving me a refund, you money-grabbing old skinflint!
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but the light bulb must want to change!
Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment? To prepare them for the bill.
A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises "Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo..." "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress. "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife."
A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful." The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out." Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The psychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here."
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose. The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!" The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"
A man walks into the psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, fried eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear. The shrink, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy answers, "Doc, I'm worried about my brother."
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!" The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!"
Sign on a psychologists office: Schizophrenics pay double.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
What is the best thing about schizophrenia? You're never alone.
What is the worst thing about schizophrenia? Paying more than once for everything.
A man walks into a psychiatrists office and tells him, "I have an identity problem..... So do I."
From comedian Richard Lewis: I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.
A man walks into his psychiatrist's office and says, "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother-in-law and I meant to say to her, "Would you please pass the salt," but instead I said, "You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life!"
A Man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, than stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..." The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous... Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.." "Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured." "Well, that's great. This beer is on the house" So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar. "You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!" "I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
NPR did a story about how people with mental disabilities of various sorts are being rehabilitated at Lotus. They brought manufacturing of software packages in house and staffed it, with the help of the Greater Boston Rehabilitation Services, with people having, among other things, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and severe learning disabilities (those with severe mental illness were recovering). It sounded like a good program, helping a lot of people who previously couldn't work or who lost their jobs because of illness get back on their feet. They did quote the woman from GBRS as saying that one of her jobs was to make sure people with compatible problems worked together. It's not a good idea to place a person who hears voices next to a person who mumbles. [Lily Tomlin suggested some years ago that NY City ought to pair up all the street people who mumbled to themselves so they'd look like they were having conversations. -spaf]
A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24. "Nobody" comes the reply. "Good" says the man, "I must have escaped."
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother", the shrink will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."
"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac." "I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock."
A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding. "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be." "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
Not A True Story, But What If ... A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got this reply... "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello." The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."
Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill... Check 3 friends, if they're okay, you're *it*.
The head psychiatrist in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
A young woman goes to a psychiatrist. When she walks into his office, he says, "Take off your clothes and get on the couch." A little confused, she did as he asked. He took off his pants and had sex with her on the couch. When he was finished, he said, "Well, my problem is solved. Now, what's yours?"
A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back."
The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?" In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me!" The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I just asked for the time, miss." In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!" Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door. Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statments." The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT? AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"
So the two behaviorists had just finished having sex, and the first on turns to the other, and says, "It was good for you, was it good for me?"
In one of my old psychology texts there was a passage which read: "The functions of the autonomic nervous system can best be remembrered as the four f's: Fight, Fright, Flight, and reproduction."
A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his
pictures with black and brown crayons.
He talks to him. Nothing obvious.
He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up.
Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons.
"Oh goody," says the boy, "I get an old box in school and only black and
brown were left."
From the "Ottawa Citizen" newspaper, August 13, 1994: This month, the 'Nose' magazine provides a participatory exercise in the mass-marketing of neurosis. In a slightly different take on self-help books and daily meditations, here are a few aphorisms listed in the 'Daily Denegration': I am no more significant than the person sitting next to me on the bus. When I feel empowered, I try to remember that someday I too will grow old and die. Today, I will rejoice in my own existence by being curt and surly. Addictive behaviour provides me with a sense of permanence; each cigarette represents another segment on the karmic wheel.
I had to kill my analyst. He helped me alot, but he knew too much.
Psychiatry as practiced by some of today's itinerant experts-for-hire is this century's alchemy. No, that is unfair to alchemists, who were confused but honest. - George F. Will "Washington Post" June 23, 1982, as quoted in Low, et. al. 'The Trial of John Hinckley, Jr.: A Case Study in the Insanity Defense' 1986: 132-3.
A man goes to a psychiatrist, and they decide to start with a Rorschach test. He's shown the first picture and sees a man and a woman making love at the beach. In the second, a man and a woman making love in a hottub. The third has a man and a woman making love in a park. In all of the pictures, the man sees a couple making love. After the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "You seem to have a preoccupation with sex." The man replies, "You're the one with the dirty pictures."
How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital? The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!
A fact that makes you go hmmmm... More than 20 percent of the nation's psychotherapists work in the New York area.
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, October 3, 1994
Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts
10. Every night, his forecast is: "It's raining men, hallelujah!"
9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.
8. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.
7. "Satellite photos" look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.
6. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.
5. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.
4. Every night he says, "Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer tomorrow!"
3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving
the finger.
2. Looks a lot like this pinhead. (videotape of Dave in his TV weatherman days)
1. He's got a tropical storm in his pants.
In July 1994, Mikael Phillips cut off both hands with a power saw in the maintenance shop at the G. Pierce Wood Memorial psychiatric hospital in Arcadia, Fla. He told authorities later that he wanted to hurt himself badly because he thought that would surely convince the authorities to release him from the hospital.
Heard from NY Disk Jockey Bob Shannon on WCBS-FM, an oldies station: A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive- compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.
Fun Things To Do At A Therapist's Office
Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:
1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't
like.
5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"
6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad
influence!"
9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and
leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure
everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does,
repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly
tell him to look at the desk, etc...
15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19. Eat his books.
20. Talk to his leg.
21. Don't face him when he talks to you.
22. Talk really slowly.
23. Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26. Pretend you hear music.
27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28. Pretend to drink.
29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.
Three lunatics wanted to run away from a mental hospital. The first one passes the guard, makes a sound of a cat, and continues. The second one does exactly the same; makes the sound of cat and gets out. The third man then passes near the guard and yells, "I'm a cat too!"
From the "The New Mexican", Santa Fe, NM, newspaper, Monday 3/6/95 Mark Oswald, staff writer, reporting in his column, Capitol Chronicle, on the current two-month New Mexico legislative session. During discussion by the Senate of a serious piece of legislation concerning the psychology profession last week, Sen. Duncan Scott, R-Albuquerque, proposed an amendment. It says: "When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's competency hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than 2 feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars and lightning bolts. Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony regarding the defendant's competency, the bailiff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong." Usually, anything proposed by Scott, whose hard-core conservatism is like cod liver oil for the Senate's Democratic majority, goes nowhere. But his wizard- hat amendment was warmly received and passed by a voice vote. It is now part of Sen. Richard Romero's psychologist bill, as the measure moves to the House.
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