(Preface from original Canonical list site)
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
How do you tell which nurse is the head nurse? The one with dirty knees.
Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.
There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, "Aaaaaahhh!!!"
The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says, "How about a quickie for twenty bucks?" She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says, "You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks." In reply, the nurse says, "If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose."
There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required. "Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day finally came. "Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call." So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. "You've got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!" "Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really that bad, we'll have to work something out." So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life. As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. "Son, this is one great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent, and I've never been happier!" "That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd given it a chance." Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly. When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, "Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right Now!" "But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, I've got to run over there and get you?" "Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!"
A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs. Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient. The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse, "Miss Jones, I said 'Prick his boil!'"
Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear." The second nurse said, "I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees." The third nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer." The fourth nurse fainted.
True story: About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent. At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown. With my gown raised, she uttered the words, "Okay, small prick," and proceeded with the injection. I'm still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.
A man goes to the doctor's office one day. The nurse, quite attractive, says, "The doctor is over at the hospital right now. He won't be back for about an hour. Could you tell me your symptoms, please?" He tells her. She looks at him appraisingly and decides he's just tense. She offers, "Well, um, for $50, I've got just the thing for you!" He agrees, and she takes him into an examining room and screws the daylights out of him. About a week later, he returns, only to find that the doctor is there. The doctor listens to the man's symptoms, examines him, and decides the man is just tense. The doctor writes out a prescription for a sedative and says, "That'll be $150 for this visit." The man says, "If it's all the same to you, doctor, I'd rather have the $50 cure!"
Three nurses died and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the first one, "What did you do on Earth that would deserve getting in here? The first nurse replied, "I was an intensive care nurse and I saved hundreds of lives." "Welcome," said St. Peter, "come right in. And what did you do?" he asked the second one. The second nurse replied, "I was an emergency room nurse and I saved hundreds of lives." "Welcome," said St. Peter, "come right in. And what did you do?" he asked the third one. The third nurse replied, "I was a managed care nurse and I saved the insurance companies hundreds of thousands of dollars." "Welcome," said St. Peter, "come right in...but only for three days."
From an Associated Press bulletin: Wanda R. Condon, a nurse at Seattle's Sacred Heart Medical Center, was handling a donated human heart when she accidentally dropped it on the floor. Thinking she had contaminated it beyond use, she threw it in the trash and falsified records to say it had been shipped to a laboratory. Her deed now exposed, she has been fined $250 and a letter of reprimand has been placed in her state license file. The surgery the heart was intended for was cancelled, apparently BEFORE the mishap.
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