The Canonical List of Mortician Jokes

(Preface from original Canonical list site)

From the "Los Angeles Times"

An Alameda mortician is peddling a set of plans to build your own casket which,
in the pre-afterlife, can double as a coffee table or bookcase.  "The attitude
of funeral home owners has been that eventually you're going to have to come to
them," said Al Carpenter, owner of Direct Funeral Services.  "This is the first
time you can do something on your own."

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My husband is in danger of losing his license to practice medicine.  He was
caught having sex with some of his patients.  It's such a shame.  He was the
best mortician in town.

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   There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night.  The first
one says, "What a day I had today.  The guy wasn't wearing his seatbelt and his
head flew into the windshield.  Took me all day to make the face look natural."
   Not to be outdone, the second mortician says, "You think that's bad?  I had
this kid in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike.  Took me TWO
days to put all the pieces back together!"
   The third mortician just shook his head.  "You guys have it easy," he said. 
"I had this female parachutist whose chute didn't open. She landed on a flagpole
and it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!"

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Rachel Barton-Russell petitioned a court in Springfield, Ore., in February 1994
for a ruling on the meaning of the state's law against corpse abuse.  Her
deceased husband, Donal Eugene Russell, had declared in his will that he wanted
his skin used to make book covers for a collection of his poetry, but the state
Mortuary and Cemetery Board claims that carrying out that request would subject
a funeral home to liability for corpse abuse.

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In Baton Rouge, La., in June 1994, minutes after funeral services for a 25-year-
old man ended, his body caught fire inside the closed coffin, causing smoke to
come shooting out of the cracks.  Investigators said embalming fluids
spontaneously combusted.

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A former municipal morgue attendant in Brisbane, Australia, told reporters that
in July 1994 that the morgue routinely made available for researchers a variety
of organs from corpses without permission from the families of the deceased.  In
particular, he said the morgue sold pituitary glands collected during the late
1980s for about 50 cents each to fund a staff Christmas party last year.

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   The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and,
to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit.  She'd specifically said to
the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it
especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left
him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. 
   She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought
especially for that purpose.
   The undertaker said, "But madam!  It's only a minute or two until the funeral
is scheduled to begin!  We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in
that amount of time."
   The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"
   Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the
coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later.  Miraculously, the
corpse was in a blue suit.
   After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the
smooth and speedy service.  She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to
get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
   The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy.  It happens that there was
another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit.  All we
had to do was switch heads."

[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]

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