(Preface from original Canonical list site)
Daffynitions Constipation: To have and to hold.
Doctors at King's College Hospital in London reported that Baby, a two year old collie-Doberman, was apparently responsible for detecting a malignant tumor on her owner's thigh. She ignored moles and other marks on the body but spent several minutes each day sniffing the tumor, attempting twice to bite it off. After several weeks, the owner finally sought medical advice. A recent study noted in The Journal of the American Medical Association reported that, of two groups that entered a San Francisco hospital with equally bad heart problems, the group that enjoyed prayer support from others had fewer complications.
An young man, on his first visit to a big city decides to go visit the local whorehouse. A little while later he starts to feel sick. He goes to see a doctor of internal medicine. The doctor examines him and says, "Well son, I don't know how to tell you this, but you've got a bad case of syphilis, gonorrhea, and about 12 other things I can't spell. I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you this medicine. It'll make you get better but it'll also cause your penis to shrivel up and disappear. It's going to cost you $1000." This doesn't make our friend very happy so he goes and sees a surgeon. The surgeon examines him and says, "Sorry, but it looks like a nice mix of syphilis, gonorrhea, and a few other things to boot. Afraid I'm going to have to cut your dick off and charge you $2000." By this time the guy is desperate so he goes to see a doctor of holistic medicine. The doctor examines him and comes to essentially the same conclusion as the other doctors: an advanced case of V. D. However, his approach to the problem is designed to save the patient unnecessary expense, trauma, and worry: "Look, just go home and eat lots of good food, get plenty of rest, and gets lots of sunshine and fresh air. Wait about two weeks and your dick will fall off all by itself."
It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..." By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger. "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "you have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger, not like all you chaps."
A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued... Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face. "Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle. "Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we'd better run it through again..."
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger. On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him at first. "Rob, is that really you?" said the friend. "You look years younger. I didn't know you had a dimple in your chin." "It's not a dimple, it's my belly button" said the old man and his friend laughed. "If you think that's funny, take a look at what I'm wearing for a tie."
A waiter in a Brighton Beach restaurant is so harried, he has no time to go to the bathroom, so he pisses into a big vat of borscht. Later he serves the borscht to a client whom he recognizes as his doctor. He asks: "Doctor, do you think this borscht too sweet? Can you taste sugar?" The doctor tries it and says, "No." "Thank you, doctor! The medicine you prescribed me must have helped."
When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a rule prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients. Our 11-year-old seemed to understand, but our six-year-old took the restriction very hard. We discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking to her mother on the phone for the first time. As she said goodbye, she tearfully exclaimed, "I'll see you when I'm 12, mom!"
Sign seen on the door of a medical school building: Staph Only
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Tiny Bug In H. S. "Genome" Causes Massive Humanity Failure Officials responsible for a spiral galaxy near the middle section of the universe revealed today that a small error in an encoding for the life form "Homo sapiens" was responsible for the near extinction of the partly intelligent species. The change had been introduced during routine maintenance of the life form. Officials explained that the maintenance had been intended to improve the survivability of the species, but inadequate testing had caused it to become susceptible to a new sexually transmitted disease. Senior universe officials expressed disappointment in the control of the life forms in the galaxy, citing a series of malfunctions, especially near a yellow star at the edge. The H. S. Species has required several patches in the field and still seems unstable. The latest change was not tested in alternative universes due to lax controls and lack of funding. Other officials cited inadequate specification and design review. "How can we guarantee that the species works without a formal definition of what it is?" lamented one senior observer. "These things just look like collections of cells - they just sort of grow. There's no mathematical model that can be used to verify it. I don't see how they ever got it started in the first place." Insiders feel that the species can be rescued, but expressed doubt about its long-term viability. The estimate of the time needed for a thorough review of the documentation, writing the formal specifications, and verifying the genome encoding, expressibility, and environmental testing, is greater than the lifetime of the universe. Meanwhile, yet another mutation and alteration of the local laws of physics will be required to back out of this particular upgrade. With funding already stretched, this setback might just spell the end of H. S. The formally verified Vulcan species, originally slated for production next year, has been delayed due to a series of technical problems and is now scheduled for beta testing after the next big bang.
Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet? They loved in vein.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes. What do brown eyes and brown diarrhea have in common? They both run in your genes.
Then there is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose.
Have you heard about the new medication that both an aphrodisiac and laxative? It's called "Easy Come, Easy Go".
Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent. The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
From "News Of The Weird": Reuters News Service reported in December,1993 that a 72-year-old retired gardener in England was credited with self-diagnosis of a tear in his bladder. The man diagnosed his condition by urinating into a plant pot; eventually a tomato plant sprouted. Doctors said that this indicated a leakage - in this case, of microscopic tomato seeds - between his bowel and his bladder. Doctors said growing urine cultures is the ordinary way of detecting such a tear but that this was the first self-diagnosis they had heard of. In a report in the August,1993 "Archives of Dermatology", a 39-year-old woman in Cleveland complaining of bad hair was reported to have the first adult case of "acquired uncombable hair," which produces permanently coarse, tangled hair. Her condition was attributed to a side effect of a diuretic.
From the "Selling It" column in the August issue of Consumer Reports: In a sales letter sent to physicians, the Lynn Medical Instrument Co. offered an electronic heart monitor. What struck the physician who sent the letter along to us was the boast that the unit "allows for early detection of sudden cardiac death." We're wondering how much the deceased will appreciate that feature.
These came from a program which was shown on Public Television during the fund drive in September of 1991. The program was "Love, Medicine and Miracles.": Attention: The meeting of the Apathy Support Group has been cancelled due to lack of interest.
I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called "Gravol for Children". It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following: Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate] I had to take it back - my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6- year-old daughter couldn't take them.
An ambulance driver was going down the road when he suddenly saw 100 disabled people in wheelchairs following him. So he thought he'd have a bit of fun and so he went faster. The wheelchairs went faster too. He thought this was really quite good fun so he went even faster until he rounded a corner and came to some traffic lights. He quickly slammed on the breaks and screeched to a halt only to have 50 of the wheelchairs crash into the back of him. The driver got out and went around the back of the ambulance. The driver saw how many dead there were and realising that one ambulance couldn't cope with it all, he got back in and drove off, only to be followed by the remaining 50 wheelchairs. He was getting quite worried now so he put his foot down and went faster still. The wheelchairs followed, even when he went onto a highway. He was doing about 70 now when he saw a sharp curve approaching so he slowed down rather rapidly and heard an awful crash as 40 wheelchairs smashed into the back of him. Without getting out, he knew there would be too many of them so he drove off with the remaining 10 in tow. He was really very worried by now so he sped around the town with his sirens blaring and his lights flashing and with 10 wheelchairs in hot pursuit. This continued until he came to a junction where he had to stop. Yet again, there came the now familiar crash of wheelchairs crunching up and bones shattering. Feeling very unhappy, the driver got out and went round the back. There were pieces of metal everywhere but amongst the debris, there was one person still alive. The driver ran over to him and bent down as the man spoke, "Please sir, can I have an ice cream..."
The Joy Of Obesity by Dr. John Cocker reprinted and edited without permission from _PUNCH_ The Journal of Medical Humour Digest for Canadian Doctors Jul,Aug 1993 Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles. One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers tend to find what they're looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking for other things. It's important, therefore, not to believe research by pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas. Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by phys. Ed. Department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who were overweight didn't live as long as people who were underweight. These were very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions. First, it was assumed that if the overweight group lost weight they'd live longer. This was totally unproved. It never will be proved, as there are just not enough people to study who've lost weight permanently. [95% of those who lose weight gain it back again within 5 years -ed] [and the yo-yo effect of losing then gaining many pounds repeatedly causes a greater health risk than staying overweight. -ed] Second, it did not address the possibility that the obese group might have another factor affecting lifespan. It seems this is very likely, since the Framington Study showed that if diabetics and those with heart disease were removed from the obese group, the obese group lived longer. Let's list some benefits of obesity: Overeating Is Fun. Make a list of all the pleasures that are in this life and you'll find the list isn't very long. The one pleasure that's life-long and never pales is eating. Carrying Fat Is Good Exercise. If you believe in exercise (I don't), surely carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of fat all day should be good for you. Obese People Are Nicer People. This is not just a hasty remark, but the result of careful clinical observation. I've seen an average of 20 patients a day for 30 years. I can tell you that these people are more jolly, more kind, more forgiving and just generally nicer. Although it could be the other way round, losing weight and keeping it off, is so rare that only obsessive-compulsives are able to do it. This may be admirable, but obsessive-compulsives aren't relaxing people to be with. [I agree. Really thin and athletic people are that way usually from a driving goal-oriented personality. In short, they are assholes. -ed.] Obese People Represent Superior Adaptation. In days gone by, there were many advantages to being able to convert excess food into fat. The long winters were better survived by those with a reserve of calories. Climatic Adaptation. Obese people can survive cold better. In particular, their cold-water survival ability has been demonstrated many times. Obese People Make Better Lovers. This is a fact known to romantics the world over. Bony lovers can never compete with what G. K. Chesterston referred to as the "promise of pneumatic bliss." Anorexia, a terrible condition, is rare among obese people. Those who consider the highly trained athlete to be the ideal human might want to consider the greatest duration runner of the animal kingdom, the pronghorn antelope of Wyoming. It can run 95km/h for an hour. It has tremendous lungs, an amazing cardiac output and a maximum oxygen uptake that might deplete the Earth's resources. So why didn't this marvel of nature become a widespread species? Since these antelopes have no body fat, and can stand neither cold nor lack or food, few survive the Wyoming winter. Think about it. []
Why was baby Jesus born in a stable? His parents were in an HMO.
Three doctors died and went before St. Peter. The first one walks up and St. Peter says, "Let's see here, it looks like you worked in an emergency room in a busy city for many years and never took a vacation. You are obviously a man of great conviction. Pass right on through." The second doctor walks up and Peter says, "You were a pediatrician that helped terminally ill children through their final days. Very compassionate. Right this way." Finally, the third doctor comes up and Peter replies, "Hmmm, you worked for an Health Maintenance Organization? Well, okay, go ahead. You've got three days."
Variation of the previous joke: Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?" "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children." "Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the Gates she went. To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?" "I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God's love." "How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter." And in she went. He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?" After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO." St. Peter pondered this for a moment and then said, "Okay, you may enter, too." "Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in." "Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days!"
I found this posted in my school for the no-smoking campaign.
Good News To All Smokers
The International Tabacco Syndicate, on its Golden Anniversary, wishes to invite
Smokers of all ages to join in its biggest Anniversary Sweepstakes Draw, where
every smoker is a sure winner!
All smokers have the chance of winning the following major prizes.
Grand Prizes: A Brand New Cancer, Bronchial Infection, Goiter, Sinusitis,
Migraine, Cerebral Tumor, Paralysis, Hypertension, and Asthma
Second Prizes: Special Hepatitis, Meningitis, Bronchitis
Third Prizes: Colored TB, Emphysema, Arteriosclerosis, Gingivitis, Rheumatism,
Heart Disease, and Lung Cancer.
You can also have a chance to win consolation prizes such as:
Tartar Deposits, Bad Breath, Stained Teeth, Appetite Loss, and Swelled Gums.
Join now!!! Remember that the more sticks you puff, the more chances of easy
winning. Fabulous prizes await you!!! You can also be a lucky winner! Please
claim your prizes at the nearest funeral parlor
This promo is a limited offer
See your X-Ray result for more details!!!
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Why Map Y?
Advances in medical science have allowed geneticists to map out the ever finer
details of the mysterious Y chromosome. Geneticists the world over have been
astir over the recent discoveries of the following gene loci, which had
previously been observed for centuries but, up to now, never been associated
directly with genetic or environmental factors in the male Homo Sapien species:
- - - - ____
11.32 /____\ --- Testis Determining Factor (TDF)
|____|
11.31 | | --- Three Stooges Appreciation
| | (Curly Stimulation Factor, CSF)
p | | --- Gadgetry (MAC-locus)
11.2 | | -\
| | > Channel Flipping (FLP)
| | -/
|----| --- Catching and Throwing (BLZ-1)
11.1 | | --- Self-confidence (BLZ-2) (unlinked to ability)
_ _ _ _ \--/
/--\
11.1 | | Ability to remeber and tell jokes (GOT-1)
|----| --/
| | --- Sports Page (BUD-E)
11.21 | ||--- Addiction to death and destruction movies (T-2)
| | \-- Air Guitar (RIF)
11.22 |____| \- Ability to identify aircraft (DC-10)
|____|
q | ||--- Preadolescent fascination with Arachnida/Reptilia
| | (MOM-4U)
11.23 | ||--- Spitting (P2E)
| | \-- Sitting on toilet reading (linked to Sports Page)
| |
|____||--- Inability to express affection over the phone (ME-2)
| | \- Selective hearing loss (HUH?)
| | \
12.0 | | Total lack of recall for dates (OOPS)
| |
| |
| |
- - - - \--/
From the "Trenton Times" A 46-year old Massachusetts man walked away from a car accident with an unexpected problem: he spoke with a French accent. "At first, it bothered me very much because I can't make myself well understood," the man, who asked not to be identified, said in a telephone interview. He said that he had no experience with a foreign language and had never traveled farther than New Jersey from his home in Worcester, Mass. The case offers a clue into a rare neurological problem dubbed Foreign Accent Syndrome that has been chronicled in the scientific literature about two dozen times since 1907.
The "Philadephia Inquirer" reported in June 1994 on the allegedly successful traumatic-memory treatment consisting of vigorously wagging fingers in the patient's face, similar to the motion made by an angry schoolteacher or parent. "Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing" is believed to put patients in a better mood by inducing rapid eye movement to "unclog" brain patterns.
Beijing (Reuter) - China's Disaster Reduction Press has printed a stern warning to men in search of a new look - beards are harmful to health and make you go bald. "Growing a beard violates the requirements of hygiene." the official newspaper said on Tuesday. "From a health perspective, beards are not desirable." The newspaper quoted scientists as saying facial hair attracts and traps more chemical pollution such as benzene and ammonia from the atmosphere, causing the unshaven to breathe dirtier air. For every one unit of pollution normally taken in, moustache wearers may breathe as much as 4.2 units while those with beards breathe 1.9 units, the newspaper said. "Those with both moustaches and beards may breathe as much as 6.1 units," it said. "Bearded smokers fare even worse." For those still unwilling to shave, the newspaper provided an added inducement: beards cause baldness. Quoting an unidentified French researcher, the Disaster Reduction Press said beard growth inhibits the body's natural capacity to shed excess heat. "This makes the scalp too hot and affects the function of the brain," the newspaper said. "To compensate, the body drops hair from the head to create baldness."
Medical bloopers reported from Arkansas: Many young girls enter the office complaining of "ministerial" trouble. Pain in the lower quadrants may be described as, "I think I'm having overly trouble." A woman told the doctor that she once had an abdominal operation, "They took out all my female organdies."
Following the news that a 59-year old woman has given birth, we are pleased to announce that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother (age 93) is expecting a child. Her Majesty is naturally delighted by the success of the pioneering operation which took some tissue from her late husband King George VI (believed to be a scrap of fingernail found underneath the carpet) and used it to reconstruct his DNA. The news does have deep constitutional implications, since, if the child turns out to be a boy, he will be the legitimate king of the U.K., and Queen Elizabeth will automatically abdicate in favour of her younger brother. The new king will be discouraged from going anywhere near journalists, portable phones, or women called Camilla. He will also be discouraged from talking to trees. When asked whether she felt that 94 would be too great an age for her to bear a child, the Queen Mum replied, "Well, you're as young as you feel, I always say. After all I'll only be 112 when the baby reaches adulthood, and that's no age at all." It is thought likely that scientists will soon be able to reconstruct DNA patterns given far less information - typically the subject's name, address, date of birth and telephone number (or possibly just even the e-mail address). This naturally will lead to severe moral dilemmas, as women anxious for children hack into databases looking for suitable fathers.
From the book: What Are the Chances: Risks, Odds & Likelihood in Everyday Life, by Bernard Siskin, Jerome Staller, and David Rorvik. Crown Publishers; New York, NY; 1989. Hardcover; 177 pages; $16.95 Bernard Siskin is vice president of the Philadelphia office of the National Economic Research Association. Jerome Staller is president of the Center for Forensic Economic Studies in Philadelphia. Chapter 6 is "Doc, What Are My Chances?" As you grow older, are you more likely or less likely to catch cold? Less likely. What's the worst time of year to have surgery? July, when hospitals bring in new interns. What are the chances that a pregnancy will result in a multiple birth? About 1 in 50. Are men who pilot jet planes more likely to give birth to girls? No, but their wives are. What are your chances of coming down with polio? Almost nil, compared with 22 percent in 1950.
In March of 1994, doctors in England reported that people who grow up in clean homes may be more likely to become ill later in life. In clean homes, inhabitants are robbed of the small doses of bacteria that might immunize them against many illnesses such as Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis.
The Massachusetts Division of Medical Assistance revealed in March 1994 that it had spent almost $50,000 in 1993 on fertility drugs for 260 people, including about 80 welfare mothers, two of whom already had eight children each.
In letters to the "Journal Of The American Medical Association" in May, 1994, two physicians referred to hundreds of their patients who had complained of bloating and upper abdominal discomfort and who had then been prescribed various ineffective gastrointestinal procedures. However, noting that among their patients with these complaints, the abdominal girth exceeds the pants size by an average of three inches, the two doctors labeled the malady "tight pants syndrome" and prescribed larger pants and suspenders.
Moscow - Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the brain for the bizarre death of a chess player whose head literally exploded in the middle of a championship game. No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four players and three officials at the Moscow Candidate Masters' Chess Championships were sprayed with blood and brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew apart. Experts say he suffered from a condition called Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis or HCE. "He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the board," says Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. "All of a sudden his hands flew to his temples and he screamed in pain. Everyone looked up from their games, startled by the noise. Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his cranium, his head popped like a firecracker." Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head has spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have died of HCE in the last 25 years. The most recent death occurred just three years ago in 1991, when European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst. Miss Nicole's story was reported by newspapers worldwide, including WWN. "HCE is an extremely rare physical imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko, famed neurologist and expert on the human brain who did the autopsy on the brilliant chess expert. "It is a condition in which the circuits of the brain become overloaded by the body's own electricity. The explosions happen during periods of intense mental activity when lots of current is surging through the brain. Victims are highly intelligent people with great powers of concentration. Both Miss Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense people who tended to keep those cerebral circuits overloaded. In a way, it could be said they were literally too smart for their own good." Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases, he hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE. "Most people who have it will never know. At this point, medical science still doesn't know much about HCE. And since fatalities are so rare it will probably be years before research money becomes available." In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy and not think too hard for long periods of time. "Take frequent relaxation breaks when you're doing things that take lots of mental focus," he recommends. (As a public service, WWN added a sidebar titled "How To Tell If Your Head's About To Blow Up:) Although HCE is very rare, it can kill. Dr. Martinenko says knowing you have the condition can greatly improve your odds of surviving it. A "yes" answer to any three of the following seven questions could mean that you have HCE: 1. Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard? (Head pain can indicate overloaded brain circuits.) 2. Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your ears? (It could be the sound of electricity in the skull cavity.) 3. Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of your head? (This is a possible sign of too much electrical activity in the cerebral cort ex.) 4. Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your checkbook, or other thoughtful activity? (A common symptom of HCE is a tendency to over-use the brain.) 5. When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in your temples? (Friends of people who died of HCE say the victims often complained of head pressure in times of strong emotion.) 6. Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts, and other sweets? (A craving for sugar is typical of people with too much electrical pressure in the cranium.) 7. Do you tend to analyze yourself too much? (HCE sufferers are often introspective, "over-thinking" their lives.)
Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh claim to have located the "Gullibility Center" of the brain, and outline an operation in which a neurosurgeon can go into the brain and lower the gullibility of a person, leaving the rest of the brain unaltered. If you believe this, then you are a very gullible person and ought to consider having the operation done.
1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by
taking a thousand aspirin.
2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
1st man: After the first two, I felt better.
According to the "National Catholic Reporter", a machine was available to gather sperm for medical purposes that would sidestep the church's two objections to masturbation (direct stimulation of the penis and the presence of erotic thoughts). Experimenting with the machine that attaches to and vibrates the testicles, researchers at the University of the Sacred Heart in Rome okayed the device for further tests and eventual commercial use.
From Late Show with David Letterman; Thursday, August 18, 1994 Top Ten Signs You've Gone To a Bad Chiropractor 10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound. 9. Keeps saying, "A spine is like a box of chocolates." 8. Repeatly asks, "You a cop? You sure you ain't a cop?" 7. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "Uh-oh". 6. There's a two drink minimum. 5. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, "My turn!" 4. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud. 3. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform. 2. Hints that for an extra $50, he'll "straighten" something else. 1. You're fully-clothed and he's naked.
The AMA's "Medical Post" magazine reported in its March-1994 issue that Dr. Tariq Ahmed Mian, a British citizen educated in Pakistan, has been turned down for more than 1,000 hospital jobs in Great Britain.
(Reuter) - A woman who noticed that her breasts made strange sounds whenever she was at high altitudes finally checked into a hospital to find out why. An X-ray at a high-altitude clinic in Frisco, Colo. (altitude 9,300 feet), showed her saline breast implants had air bubbles in them, causing a "swishing sound" when at high altitudes, where the outside air pressure is lower. (If you think that's interesting, you should hear her husband's penile implant!)
Patent Yourself Manfred deLisle, a London patent attorney, is offering to file patent claims for the complete genome of any individual who wishes to "preserve his or her commercial options." Several hundred people have signed up for deLisle's services. However, it is anticipated that patent officials will impose extensive documentation demands that will render the scheme impractical. Amici Curiae Another London attorney, A. C. Pomeroy, is working with representatives of several major religions to file patent claims for the genetic substance deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA), "on behalf of an unspecified deity." Pomeroy's clients will claim that (a) DNA is a patentable invention and (b) the inventor is unable to file a claim personally and so must have his rights protected by a consortium of interested parties. The parties reportedly have agreed to share any royalties that accrue from the patent, on an equal basis.
In Dallas in June 1994, a 63-year-old woman had a 156-pound ovarian cyst, representing about half her body weight, removed. Her surgeon said "several stout people" were necessary to get the tumor off the operating table. The woman's family proudly tacked up a photograph of the tumor in the hospital room, but according to the Guinness Book, the world record is 328 pounds, removed from a woman in Galveston, Texas, in 1905.
Mark Twain was once asked if there was anything in the world worse than having a toothache and an earache at the same time. "Yes there is," replied Twain, "Having rheumatism and St. Vitus Dance at the same time."
The "China News" reported in July 1994 that a patient at the Chutung Provincial Hospital, who had complained of an eye infection, was found to have 30 fleas and 40 flea eggs lodged in her eyelashes. Said hospital official Tang Weijen, "The fleas were skin-colored and were not easily detected. They were deep in her eyelashes."
Actual Injury Reports By Keith Sullivan (dnwu64a@prodigy.com) A few years ago, I worked in a military hospital where one of my duties each day was to review the injury reports generated in the emergency room. In each patient's own words, here are some examples of serious injuries which warranted a visit to the emergency room. Two male hamsters were fighting over a female when I tried to separate them and was bitten. Opening bottle of champagne when plastic cork ejected and struck my left eye dead center. During a racquetball game (doubles), my partner and myself went for the ball. Both rackets hit the ball with my head in the middle. Got in an argument while playing basketball off base, he pushed, I pushed, then I hit him in the head. Lifting deep fat fryer pot with hot grease inside and it hit the side of the machine and the grease jumped out and burned my arm. I was shaking a RC soda up in the west yard when I threw the can up into my teeth. It chipped my tooth. I was trying to sleep during the day time as I was on 12 hour shift and the night shift when my dog started barking . This kept up for about 10 minutes when my temper got the better of me. I got up half asleep, walked into the living room and kicked my dog. I was lying around the house when my dog noticed a fly on the wall. He immediately reacted and leaped at the fly becoming entangled in the speaker wire above me causing in a natural chain of events in which a large speaker landed on my head causing injury to my person. I was walking along the side of the swimming pool (indoor) at the base gym (in Utah) and stepped on a seashell of some kind which cut me on the instep of my left foot. My wife and I had a domestic squabble and I was struck on shoulder blade and back of neck with broken lamp. Also, I stepped on shattered glass cutting left foot. While playing softball I fell on my right shoulder. The injury happened on a softball field. Cut on pipe, severe wound. Severe PAIN! End of sewer pipe. Jagged end. It hurt. While riding an elephant at Salt Lake City zoo, the dirty beast decided to sit down, causing me to fall, temporarily dislocating my left knee. I was on duty at Valk Field, Wisc. I tried to gain an advantage point at the edge of the flight line and a tree limb broke droping me onto my back approx. 12 feet. At home, I was working on my car. The door spring gave way and struck me repeatedly about the body. Was reading newspaper and walked into lamp post on Southeast corner of new barracks north of hospital. I was doing some running at about 0200 hours (2:00 AM) to stay in shape without shoes so my feet will get hard for karate around the barn or the stable down the side of the road. I stepped on awhole bunch of stickers, I stop pulled some out and came to the E.R. (emergency room) at 1430 hours (4:30 AM) same day. And finally, my favorite: Did not see B-52 (8 engine, 400,000 pound bomber) and walked into it. Say what?
In July 1994, the Tokyo-based drug firm Dairin announced it would soon market a pre-meal pill to make bowel movements completely odorless. Although the pill was developed principally for the health-care market, to improve working conditions for nurses' aides, some commentators in Japan fear that the availability of the pill for consumers will increase Japan's obsessions with cleanliness. Psychiatry professor Susumu Oda said that, already, overreaction to unpleasant smells is a cause of unsociable behavior.
Health Tips From VIZ Magazine (England) I find that removing my trousers and underwear before going to the toilet makes it a far easier and more enjoyable experience. Avoid embarrassing fart noises by pulling your buttocks apart when you are about to fart I find that at night, lying horizontally with my eyes closed makes a perfect opportunity for sleep. A rubber band coated in chewing gum makes an ideal substitute for chewing gum. Ensure you don't soil your trousers by *NOT* pulling your buttocks apart when you think you are about to fart. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurts, by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
In October 1994, before a meeting of "alternative" physicians in Greensboro, N.C., Dr. Robert Willner, who believes that AIDS is not caused by HIV but rather by the drug AZT (a widely prescribed AIDS retardant), twice defiantly drew blood from an HIV-infected man and injected it into his own hand.
In November of 1994, in what is believed to be the first-ever relocation of its kind, the contents of a Paris sperm bank were transported by truck about 2 1/2 miles to new facilities, with the logistical detail reminiscent of the transfer of nuclear materials. The 300,000 sperm samples, frozen in liquid nitrogen, along with several hundred embryos, were insulated against spills and vibrations, and a motorcycle guard assured that the truck, which made four trips, could pass through all traffic signals without stopping.
Reuters News Service - China has opened a sperm bank for yaks in Tibet. Previously, "natural" mating methods were used, but this "caused degeneration, resulting in a lower quality of the yak," the Chinese Xinhua news service said. Within six years, it is expected that 100,000-200,000 deposits will be stored. Meanwhile, China's human sperm bank in Shanghai is suffering from a severe lack of deposits, despite men being offered incentives to cooperate. Only "a few tens" of men have come forth in the last seven years and "the majority of those had to be persuaded at length before agreeing," said a story in an official newspaper, Youth Daily.
Hospital Telephone Hotline Rrrring, rrrring "Hello, Breast Self-Exam Hotline!" For assistance, please press one now. Now press the other one.
Bogota (Reuter) - A candy seller who invited two girls home for sex woke up the next morning with about 90 percent of his penis cut off, hospital officials said Tuesday. Marco Velez, 40, was selling sweets in Tulua, about 150 miles southwest of Bogota when he whistled at two pretty girls and invited them home for sex, the officials said he told them. The girls offered him chewing gum, and the next thing Velez remembered was waking up the following morning with a burning pain in his blood-sodden groin. Hospital official Maria Eugenia said Velez reported to the emergency room Monday, two weeks after the incident. Eugenia said Velez told her he was too embarrassed to be treated. It is believed Velez was doped with scopolamine, a potent drug used often by thieves and attackers in Colombia to knock out their victims, Eugenia said. A doctor in the internal medicine department said that unlike the highly publicized case of American John Bobbitt, whose wife sliced off part of his penis with a knife, Velez's chances of recovery were very slim. About 90 percent of his organ was lost and because of Velez' delay he may need an artificial implant, the doctor said. Bobbitt's penis was retrieved by police shortly after the attack, enabling surgeons to reattach it.
According to the September 1994 issue of "American Medical News", physicians and engineers at Medical College of Georgia and engineers at Georgia Tech are working to develop a synthetic finger to enable a person in one site to be touched and a doctor at another site to feel exactly what would be felt if the doctor were touching him in person.
Dear Maevis, I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the den, in the bedroom, in the kitchen or in the garage, I ask myself, "What am I here after?" Well, I guess growing old is not so bad since old folks are worth a fortune with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs! Your good ole friend, Ethel
The Netherlands Liver and Intestine Foundation, in November 1994, which supports research on digestive problems, announced a publicity campaign to encourage people to pass gas as much as 15 times a day to ease intestinal discomfort.
Scientists say that 90% of all one dollar bills carry germs. Not true! Even a germ can't live on a buck these days.
In October 1994, the "New York Times" reported that Kimberly-Clark Corp. had received a patent for chemically realistic, synthetic feces that it regards as crucial for testing diapers and incontinence garments. Technicians had concluded that makeshift substances, such as mashed potatoes, peanut butter, and canned pumpkin pie mix were inadequate because they separated into liquids and solids more quickly than feces does.
From the L.A. Times: A new medical study has shown that a woman's breast-feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics. It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.
The Mammogram This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises: 1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) beetween the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily. 2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily. 3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.
Ode To A Mammogram For years 'n years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests." So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra. After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump. "Stand up very close," she said, As she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah, yes! There! That's just fine." She stepped upon a pedal. . . I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!! My skin was stretched 'n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!! Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!! "Take a deep breath" she said to me Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't breathe and woozy I am getting. "There, that was good," I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. "Now let's get the other one." "Lord, have mercy," I was praying. It squeezed me from the up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I'll bet she's never had this done To her tender little hide! If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. . . If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow!! This machine was made by a man, Of this I have no doubt. I'd like to get his balls in there, For months, he'd go "without"!! - author unknown
A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the "Atlantic Monthly": At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat. By then, the cold is probably cured.
Medical researchers tabulating written cases in which items were recovered from the rectums of patients reported 700 items from 200 patients. They included: a live, shaved declawed gerbil; a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup; an axe handle; a 9-inch zucchini; a 4-inch vibrator with two D-cell batteries; a plastic spatula; a 9 1/2-inch water bottle; a 3 1/2-inch Japanese float ball; an 8-inch carrot; an antenna rod; a 100-watt bulb; a screwdriver; four rubber balls; 72 jeweler's saws (all from the same patient, 29 at one time); a paperweight; an apple; an onion; a plastic toothbrush package; a frozen pig's tail (which got stuck after it thawed); a 1O-inch length of broomstick; an 8-inch umbrella handle; a banana encased in a condom; two Vaseline jars; a whiskey bottle with a cord attached; a teacup; an oil can; a 10-inch toolbox (weighing 22 ounces); a 6-inch stone weighing two pounds; a baby powder can; a test tube; a ballpoint pen; a peanut butter jar; a flashlight; a turnip; a pair of eyeglasses; a hard-boiled egg; several tumblers and glasses; a file; a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink and a carborundum grindstone with handle.
In December 1994, Dr. Henry Abrams of Loveladies, N.J., who was Albert Einstein's opthalmologist and who removed Einstein's eyes during his autopsy in 1955 (storing them in a safe deposit box ever since), announced the eyes were for sale and said he expected they could bring $5 million.
>NEW<
From Late Show with David Letterman; Wednesday, March 15, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're In A Bad Hospital
10. You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail.
9. You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked
in.
8. Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you.
7. As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I baked".
6. In the operating room, they have one of these guys. [shot of "Late Show"
staffer Bill Scheft waving]
5. Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps.
4. All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers.
3. You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V.
2. Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting, "Bring the damn Scotch
tape! And plenty of it!"
1. Instead of "patient", they use the term "plaintiff".
[Music: "Bad Case Of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)" by Robert Palmer]
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Unless otherwise noted, all photos and text is Copyright © Richard G Lowe, Jr.