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Lightbulb Jokes
Article 187745 of rec.humor:
Definitive Collection of Lightbulb Jokes So Far Known
I'm still collecting them so please send me any more you think of.
However, it would be nice if people would read the whole collection through
before sending me any additions, as it's somewhat trying on my patience when
people send me jokes I've already got or got with only minor differences.
This collection compiled by BRIAN6@UK.AC.MDX.CLUSTER or BRIAN6@VAXC.MDX.AC.UK
Tally so far as at 21/05/95 - over 700 questions with over 1100 answers,
plus LOTS of other bits and pieces. Only perhaps about 10% of the material was
actually written by me - I owe a great debt of thanks to the various Internet
users around the world for all the support and contributions which have been
received in fits and spurts over the last couple of years. Without their help
the collection would be only a fraction of its present size and in particular
many of the explanations would be missing. People often ask me why I so like
lightbulb jokes. Well, I found a biblical answer : - Colossians 3:2 instructs
"Set your affection on things above, not things on the earth." HA HA HA HA HA !
Apparently, this whole collection is now stored on the World Wide Web too, and
is located at http://www.misty.com/laughweb/canonical.lists and at
http://www.bath.ac.uk/~ee3cmk/nibbles/bulbs.html and one more for luck,
http://www.infi.net/~cashman/humor/ .
*** WARNING ***
This collection contains jokes which could be construed as offensive to just
about any ethnic, religious, social, or other group of people you care to
name. If you are the sort of person who is easily offended by this, I suggest
you stop reading *NOW* and go and find your copy of "Hello" magazine instead.
*** IMPORTANT NOTICE ***
There are several jokes in particular which keep cropping up time and time
again, both on the net and in the real world. They are included here for the
sake of completeness. Anyone telling them or posting them on their own,
believing them to still be funny, is a WALLY. Here's the chart : -
1) Programmers (none, that's a hardware problem)
2) Any question (one, they hold the bulb and the world revolves around him/her)
3) Microsoft staff/Bill Gates (none, darkness is the new industry standard)
4) Psychiatrists (it'll change when it's ready/it must want to change)
5) Surrealists (any answer, but usually involving fish)
6) Feminists/lesbians (any answer, certain interchangeability between these 2)
7) Californians (share the experience)
8) Assorted idiots (turn the house/ladder/chair round)
9) Assorted rude people (none of your business/not your job/read the contract)
10) Assorted bureaucrats (do lots of useless paperwork etc)
###############
# THE FORMULA #
###############
Posterity is grateful to whoever defined this generating formula. It describes
many (though not all) LBJs. You may find it useful in creating your own LBJs.
Q: How many (name of a class of people) does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: (A finite positive integer F.) One to change the bulb, and the
rest to (behave in a manner stereotypical of their group) or (say something
stereotypical of their group in certain situations.)
Note: If F[2 then the joke can still be extremely funny, but you will
probably need to choose a different generating formula. My personal favourites
are the ones with F=0, as they require the most ingenuity to devise.
The formula itself makes for a good start on another joke (see actors.)
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding
committee to learn more about how it's done.
Q: How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in and the other to hang himself accidentally from
the flex performing a perverse sexual act involving womens underwear.
A: I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has
been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.
Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame
the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the
original bulb in place 17 years ago.
Q: How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.
Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.
A: None. "There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for
illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the
lightbulb lighting up again."
A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting
brighter !!!
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces
would have already caused it to happen.
A: That depends on the wage rate.
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should
we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social,
economic, and ethnic communities.
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of
the environment.
Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause
as to why the last one went out.
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the
state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to
allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800'
number to order an American light bulb.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in
the dark.
Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!
Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a
light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change the president?
A: Only one, if it's filled with napalm!!!
Here is a recipe for making the said exploding lightbulb, courtesy of an
American : - (do not kill the president, nor anyone else for that matter, or
if you do, it is not my fault, and yes this is a disclaimer. To put it another
way, kids - don't try this at home.)
Carefully heat the end of a 100 watt light bulb. Carefully remove the metal
end and internal parts. Fill the bulb with half gasoline, and 1/4 more with
dish washing liquid. Finally take rubber cement and glue the two parts back
together. Be sure that you put enough mixture into the build so that the metal
wire is well submerged before and during use. Just screw it into the lightbulb
socket. When they flip the switch, they burn. Fun fun fun fun fun!
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs,
so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we
need a Constitutional ammendment.
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle
screwing one extra lightbulb.
Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Less and less all the time.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential
candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is
actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates
can't even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other
candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find
out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs,
pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has
made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we
have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept.
of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or
business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
A: (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light
bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove
the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and
help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah!
What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
A: (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it
only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South
Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see
how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.
A: (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious
attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent
it, and the American people resent it.
A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth
solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At
least I hope not.
A: (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing
my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's
all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for
this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in
the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
A: (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution
at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even
the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the
American Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or even
paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra
light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes,
from the lighthouse to the White House.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A: None, they only screw the poor
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't
have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have
always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of
the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need
changing.
A: (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!
A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let
those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair
in the dark].
A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question.
I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing
alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.
The next three jokes are about the candidates who are running for a seat in
the Senate for Virgina.
Q: How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hell, how can he? He sold all the lightbulbs to Iran.
Q: How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a lightbulb
in or not!
(Note: Douglas Wilder decided not to run, but then redecided to run
for a seat in the Senate. Repeat cycle over.)
Q: How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his
lightbulb to Iran.
Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.
Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.
Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone
hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense
examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it
proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the
bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the
room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one
to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
A: Just one - Nancy.
Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her apparent de facto
ascent to power in 1987
Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial
("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the
Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one
to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning
out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from
the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old
colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the
cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the
next generation.
Q: How many election canvassers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time for a change but
the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for "New lightbulb."
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's a military secret.
Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests
of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature.
Next question, please.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None, that's the proletariat's work!
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!
Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of
inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't defective.
Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic joke.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A: Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the
Environmental Impact Statement.
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor
to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the
requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition
to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb,
a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order
a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
A: Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be
shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are
maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal
regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the
paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
A: Two - one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally
finishes screwing it up.
A: None, we contract out for things like that.
Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.
Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs
burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to
enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design
change request form.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb!
Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that believes
in violent revolution. Attributed to Michael Anderson '83, a student activist
at Harvard.
(And in a similar vein...)
Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
(Cue typical sarcastic angry Alexei Sayle voice)
A: It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!!
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
(Notes : An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do for theirself.)
Perhaps it would help to say, "All of them. Or, none of them. Or several."
(BTW, I prefer "theirself" to any other construction.)
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old
one has burnt out.
Q: How many Russian Communists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them, tovarishch.
(Note : Author seems to remember this from right after the USSR's break-up)
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.
Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.
Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"
Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"
Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.
Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.
(Well, it was funny enough to have made it onto TV...)
Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for
publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the
Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the
house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion
of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at
Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church
to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of
bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas
Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent,
fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the
light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being
screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.
Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss
secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop
steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's
best friend did it real cheap for me once.
Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to
the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even
though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)
Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but don't expect results.
(They're supposed to be useless...(but we're Europeans, so none of that!))
Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.
Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive
the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while
he does it.
Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other
skater on the knee.
Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32.......
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
A: JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?
Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
Q: How many porn actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real answer
is actually none. They're just faking it.
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done
everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
Q: How many Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What do you think? (Theatre humour)
Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old
one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.
Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...
Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they're really three.
Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new
and old bulbs. (Yes, anal-retentive really does have a hyphen.)
Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.
Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "I can't change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger
King burger."
Q: How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been
*this* big! (Gestures with arms...) Five of us were barely enough!
Q: How many futurologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. He just takes the old functioning one out when nobody's looking,
just to be certain.
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a futurologist?
A: About 6,000,000. You pack them together under high pressure and drop the
result from 100 meters on his head. Even if he can predict it to happen he
cannot change it, right?
Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so
it'll be architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To
the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it
out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and
to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne
had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy
alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and
met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's
shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox
occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of
existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex
exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the
removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or
vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone
and change the room. It's all relative.
Q: How many "Changing lightbulbs"-joke writers does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't -figured that out yet.
Q: How many of me does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and one to
spend the next 6 months going round telling it to everyone.
(The rest of the answers to this question refer to a long boring series
of arguments I got dragged into on the uk.singles newsgroup.)
None, because : -
A: Despite what you say, it is still working and doesn't need replacing.
A: Statistically speaking, as most lightbulbs don't need replacing this
one doesn't either (and until someone produces another statistic I'm
not going to replace it.)
A: It should be able to get itself out of this situation.
A: You get someone else to do it as the prelude and postscript are too long
and not worth the effort.
A: Lightbulbs are morally reprehensible creatures consuming energy
produced from dead animals.
A: I have a number of friendly exes who would be more than happy to come round
and do it for me.
A: The existing lightbulb has not formally apologised for failing.
A: I could illuminate the room simply by leaving it.
A: You simply don't understand the lightbulb cluster system Richard and if
one lightbulb fails ....
A: I haven't got a trowel. (eh ?)
(And the rest of the answers to this question were made up by myself.)
A: Look, the lightbulb was rude to me so I changed it OK ? So leave me alone
and change the lightbulb yourself too.
A: If you don't like the lightbulb why don't you just put it in your kill
file and quit whining ?
A: The lightbulb owes me an apology for its behaviour.
A: You should just bring your friends round to help you sort it out the
first time it misbehaves. What's that you say ? You're married and you
haven't got any friends ?
A: I don't care what the outcome will be of the vote you take on it. Voting
won't change anything, least of all the lightbulb.
A: The lightbulb is just trying to wind me up. It should either make an
exact statement of the problem and produce evidence to back this up, or
it should START WORKING AGAIN.
A: I like the lightbulb because it is annoying everyone else.
A: Look, the dead lightbulb *is* funny, and someone *does* like it.
A: I don't care if you do think the dead lightbulb is wasting space.
A: Just because you're older than me doesn't mean you're wiser, so I still
don't think it needs changing.
A: It doesn't bother me that nobody here likes my decision not to change it.
A: Just because you have more experience of lightbulb changing from the
lightbulb's side than I do doesn't mean I'm wrong in saying it doesn't
need changing. After all, I have more experience of lightbulb changing
from the changer's side than you do, so that makes us even.
A: The socket should eject the worthless bulb and find itself a better one.
A: I am annoyed by all you lot implying I've never changed a lightbulb before,
but I'm not going to divulge any information about my experience of
lightbulb changing here since you would still make fun of it anyway.
Q: Did they (the uk.misc veganism/animal rights debating club) ever find out
how many laboratory animals it takes to change a light bulb, or what?
A: No, they found out how many lightbulbs it takes to kill 50% of the lab
animals.
A: Laboratory animals change lightbulbs in such a completely different way to
humans that there is no valid scientific reason for getting the animals to
do it. The results would lead to invalid conclusions resulting in the birth
of thousands of deformed babies.
A: I would far rather a thousand people died of cancer than that one animal
should be forced to change a light bulb against its will. (This is a rather
"reasonablised" version. The true version is: _Everyone_ agrees that it is
much better that a thousand people should die of cancer than that one
animal should have to change a lightbulb.)
A: If everyone ate enough carrots we wouldn't need lightbulbs.
A: That's a really speciesist remark! Is that supposed to be a joke? That's
like asking how many black people it takes to change a lightbulb. You're
trying to imply that animals are stupid or something aren't you. Well, any
fool knows that animals are fully sentient beings instilled with the same
deep sensibilities as humans and there's no reason why they shouldn't be
just as good at changing light bulbs, so there. OK, so they haven't got
hands. But so what? That just shows what a waste of time it is
experimenting on them because if you developed a light bulb for animals it
would give people liver failure. I know because I did biology at school
till I was 13 and I've got a maths GCSE so don't call me stupid.
A: Can I be the first one in this thread to mention Hitler ?
Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
Q: How many IKEA shop assistans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to arrive early
next month. We do have ladders though! You just go straight on, then
left and then right. No, thanks, anytime."
Q: How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled
addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
Q: How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's of no interest to them.
Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up
there and come back empty ? You must be jokin' mate !
Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds.
(Notes : Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing limbs, etc.
Thus, a mutant is often only "2/3 of a person")
Or, perhaps it's "Got three hands, only needs two for the job ?"
Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.
Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians,
and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
Note: Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.
A: They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
(Note : This is based on recent successful environmentalist pressures to stop
logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.)
Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection
slip to the old bulb.
Q: How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is
the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed?
It seems inconsistent.
A: None. "I'm not changing a thing"
Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query
them.
Q: How many cover artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why is there...an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this light fixture?
Q: How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without
checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to
accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it
in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it
was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been
thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and
one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
[The next batch are from alt.folklore.college and refer to the Ivy League.
Everything you ever wanted to know about puerile intra-Ivy rivalry, all summed
up in light bulb jokes. The other Ivy League place, Harvard, is not included
here as the answer is the same as for egotists.]
Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None-Hanover doesn't have electricity!
(Note : Dartmouth is way out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.)
Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two-one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
(Note : Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies.)
Q: How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy six-one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's
right not to change and twenty five to hold a counter protest.
(Note : Columbia was the most politically active of the ivies back in the 60s.)
Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None-New Haven looks better in the dark!
(Note : Have you been to New Haven? It does.)
Q: How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One - and that's what his degree will be in!
(Note : Because Brown has no real core curriculum.)
Q: How many Penn students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll make sure it's on his resume.
(Note : Penn is seen as being a little less academically rigorous than the
others, and it's very preprofessional.)
Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
A: *Sigh* The *Alumni* *pay* people to do things like that *for* us.
A: I don't know, let me call my maid.
(Note : Princeton has a reputation for being a bit wealthier and WASPier than
the other seven.)
Q: How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job
they can get after they graduate.
A: Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?
Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change
the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.
Q: How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Change it to what?
Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...
Q: How many tight gits does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after
all these technical advances, a lightbulb still only lasts 1000 hours.
Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
(left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...)
A: None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
(Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are full of
burned-out light bulbs?)
Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this
is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change
as the older, heavier ones.
Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with
gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and
the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We
have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.
Q: How many members of the royal family does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: "Actually none. As your queen I would like to reassure the people of the
commonwealth that while our family may have had our Annus Horribilis and
while some of us may have screwed in the stables or in the mud, none of
us, to my knowledge, have actually screwed in a lightbulb."
Q: How many Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: That depends on how far up the succession list the lightbulb is. For
lightbulbs within 50 (+or-5) of the throne, the total can be approximated
by (10 000/n) where n = place in succession list.
Q: How many Austrailian Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but there is only one and she is old and not feeling that
well these days so ... hurry.
Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: [Ahem] We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: As many as will fit in the El Camino.
(Notes: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that was popular with
Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped as putting a lot of people into
their cars when they go low-riding.)
Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb.
Q: How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
Q: How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb ??
A: Hell !, You mean it was one of OURS !?!?!
(Notes : Topical to the shooting down of 2 allied helicopters over Iraq.)
Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.
Q: How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.
Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.
Q: How many Timothy McVeigh's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first you have to strip the insulation off of the electrical
cord, wrap it around his legs a couple of times, then plug it in. If
Mr. McVeigh is holding the light bulb at this time, it should glow quite
nicely.
Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.
A: Siz. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.
A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim
responsibility in phone call to the news media.
Q: How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut
airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel
and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the
world!!
Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's
bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up
the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little
eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of
dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the
bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.
(and in a similar vein...)
Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly
eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
Q: How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was
burnt out in the first place.
(Notes: Is/was this topical to one particular event, or does it just
reflect American frustration with the Arab way of doing things and the
peace process in general ?)
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
A: Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"
Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily
after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get
nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up
late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend
nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city
turns up to watch. (Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.)
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to
perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid
nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology
to advance sufficiently to revive it.
Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to
find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape,
one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of
the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the
bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The
new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of
expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed
doing something totally useless.
Q: How many antibiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They're there to kill it off, not to help revive it.
(This one came to me in a dream, and somehow I remembered it upon waking.)
Q: How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of the effects
on his/her social development relative to same-age peers who sat around
in the dark.
Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of Washington
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
(Notes : This is one of the most impressively durable LBJs. It occurs,
virtually letter-for-letter identical, in lists whose contents are
otherwise wildly different.)
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally
a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front
of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The
size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether
or not the function is exponential is not known.
Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
Q: How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but why bother ? Your light socket will just be obsolete in
six months anyway.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.
A: One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the
operation is started.
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
A: Seven. One to write the pseudocode, another to design the requisite
peripherals, another three to code various sections of the main routine,
another to sort out the memory conflicts, and Bill Gates to justify
earning such swingeing fees...
Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a
help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it
will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the
drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about
how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1
to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light
bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb
- how we did it" magazine.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
A: At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is, because
they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over there !"
Q: How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard.
Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
A: Farm.
(Notes: refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition techniques)
Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.
Q: How many alt.freaks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they just all move into a room with a working light.
A: 4. One to post "I changed a lightbulb the other day and I tickled my
nipples with the old one for 5 hours. Does this make me a freak ?", one
to post "No.", one to crosspost the thread to at least 20 other groups
selected either alphabetically or randomly, and one to send mail to
anyone posting in the thread, complaining that it's wasting space and
querying the relevance of the thread to their group.
Q: How many alt.anagrams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to say it can't be done because there aren't enough vowels,
one to be clever and change "a lightbulb" into "bull bit hag", and one
to try and sell copies of the "Anagram for Windows" program he wrote.
Q: How many alt.fan.pratchett readers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing footnotes about
it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to ask if that's really THE Terry
Or colette or both, and then to realise that the speed of light can't be
measured, except in badgers, or possibly multiple of pi, then to say sod it
and ask if anyone knows where to find the lyrics for the hedgehog song...
Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
A: Two-fifty.
A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world send
him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records.
A: One, who'll do it for food.
A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up
three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his
back, and realize where the light bulb went.
A: Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in the southern
hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is actually pretty
negligible).
A: Furrfu !
(Notes : - furrfu is the word "sheesh" encoded in Rot-13 (a simple but
commonly-used cipher that helps protect the unwary against unwanted
exposure to sexual, vulgar, or other offensive language).
Q: How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1000. One to screw the bulb, 999 to cover up.
(You won't trick me into screwing in this lightbulb, you
freemasonic trotzkist neobavarian netnazi!!!)
A: One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for the
old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to blame
the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon
LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the
British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would never
need to be replaced, Ted Frank to tell everyone they're full of it,
and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR.
Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb joke?
A: 622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some
minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a great new joke that
noone else had ever thought of.
Q: How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb?
swimming
A: None, fish are through the of my conciousness,
and edges
I dark.
like the
Q: How many net.junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. But he's gotta cross-post it ALL OVER THE GODDAM PLACE.
Q: How many Mensans does it take to screw in a litebulb?
A: None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore cannot
exist to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were a Miller Lite bulb...
Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
A: Six. One to point out the spelling error ^^ you illiterate idiot!,
one to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!, one to flame the flamer,
one to ask to be removed from the news group, one to ask for a copy of the
last message :-) , and one to ask how to unROT the joke.
A. None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent
frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!
A: Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d.
(Note: a nice try, but there's no such group. alt.fan.lightbulbs is quite
active, though - BRIAN.)
Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a
while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she
selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes,
so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes
great discontent among the people who have brought really bright,
long-lasting bulbs.
Q: How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the
wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 ... Captain Nitpick will want to
point out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) *not* rec.humour.
Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in
with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the
old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come
in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the
whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't
actually add up to 100.
A: 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again
and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again and
again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for
not doing it in rec.humor.d.
A: 565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to flame the first,
pointing out that this bulb is different from the old one, 29 to
counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately* different,
and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave the room, citing the extreme
density of the 6, 12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the
other room, 14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed
seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but it's not my joke)
to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in.
A: An infinitely growing number : -
One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it,
one to post in saying "I got it", one to post
in saying "Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays", one to post in saying
"Our news software hasn't been working and I missed the original lightbulb
joke. Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?", one to post
in quoting everything so far and the
words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the
cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with "I don't
get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ?", one to post in after two
months "What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking about ?", one to
repost it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I didn't get
it. What's the punchline ?", one to post "Has anyone got a list of these ?
I'm starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes", and one
to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by
"Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ?" and accompanied by all of our old
favourites like "How many programmers...? None that's a hardware problem.",
three to ask, a month later, "What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs
archived at ?", and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic
intervals of two to six months.
A: 28. One to screw in the first one, 3 to follow the first one by screwing
in the exact same bulb, 20 to screw in an almost completely similar bulb
with a slight difference, 3 to complain about the lighting, 1 to explain
that it was not the right type of bulb for this socket, and 1 standing by
displaying the canonical collection of bulbs.
Q: How many DR. ROCKETs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: juSt ONe, BUt he CHAngES It tO RADioACtIVE dusT WItH HIs NuclEAR WArHead!!
Q: How many Nitpicks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just let someone else change it, then they point out all
the mistakes the bulb-changer made!
Q: How many EXPLAINORs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, because The KILLOR killed him!
(Note : The last 3 all refer to personalities in the rec.humor group.)
Q: How many sci.math readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Pi. Two hold the ladder, one the bulb, but something irrational
remains about it.
Q: How many alt.tla readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One-no! Six is!
Q: How many alt.newbie readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Me!Me too!Me too!
Q: How many alt.fan.hofstadter readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They have special lightbulbs that screw themselves.
Q: How many alt.fan.douglas-adams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 42
Q: How many alt.bigfoot readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: My cat Fluffy.
Q: How many alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die readers does it take to change
a lightbulb ?
A: Ha!We don't need a lightbulb!WE SCREW IN BARNEY UNTIL HE IS SO
ELECTROCUTED THAT WE CAN SELL HIS SMOKING FLESH TO MCDONALDS!
(white collar men with straightjacket coming in)
Q: How many alt.alien.visitors readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. (screw screw screw) Aargh! The light! I'm being abducted!
Q: How many alt.flame readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Screw yourself, lutefisk!
Q: How many alt.0d readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: What is a lightbulb?
Q: How many alt.1d readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm, yes, very funny, but what has this got to do with 1d ?
Q: How many alt.spam readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, if you buy our newest ACME Lightbulb screwer, for only
10$, from XPOSTS R US, Velveeta, Ca, USA. Contact now!
Q: How many alt.test readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One postmaster and 100 autoresponder mailbombs.
Q: How many alt.fan.music.nirvana readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One...BLAM!...Two...BLAM!...Three...BLAM!...Seems that we won't
get ready in the next time...
Q: How many alt.atheism readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to screw the bulb, one to prove that it exists anyway.
Q: How many alt.fan.longest-thread readers does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: (too busy)
Q: How many alt.religion.kibology readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One Bob OR half a Kibo OR 10 Tjames Madison.
Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to watch him to make sure
he doesn't say 'nipple'.
A: Eight. One screws in the lightbulb, but seven more do too, due to a
software bug.
A: Eleven. One to ask to be on the lightbulb gif mailing list, nine to
say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions
on how to view a lightbulb.
(Notes: If you don't beleive me, see the alt.binaries.pictures.supermodels,
alt.binaries.pictures.celebreties, and alt.sex newsgroups and you will see
threads up to 10 "ME TOO!"s long consisting of all AOL'ers requesting to be
put on non exisitent .gif/ftp mailing lists. Internet folklore tells us that
all the gits are on AOL. The software they're using is only partly to blame.)
Q: How many VEGAN-L subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
(With apologies because of some overlapping with the rec.humor answer)
A: Most of them. One to change it and post a little joke about it to the list,
one to post in saying "I got it", one to post in saying "Yes, but they have
herbal remedies for it nowadays", one to post "And homeopathic ones too, I
read somewhere", one to post in saying he accidentally deleted the original
lightbulb joke and could someone please post it again or email it to him,
one to post in quoting everything so far and the words "Me too", two to
turn it into a cascade, one to post "What's this lightbulb joke you're all
talking about then ?", one to post "I dunno, it sounds like some kind of
food", one to post "In that case, has anyone got a recipe for one then ?",
one to post in requesting Michael Traub look up and tell us all its B12
content, one to post "Will it help cure my auntie's arthritis ?", one to
assert that it probably won't, but its effectiveness at this might well be
increased by accompanying it with some shiatsu and meditation, two to
condemn that as too unscientific, one to ask whether lightbulbs are totally
vegan, one to post "Read the FAQ", one assert that they are and add "I like
lightbulbs. They're low in fat, and stay crunchy in soya milk too !", one
to announce that she's leaving the list unless the discussion gets a bit
more meaningful, three to post in reassuring her that eventually it will,
Lissa Mosley to post that the list moderators feel they must respectfully
request that the discussion be moved to private email as it has been going
on far too long, one to agree with this and add "So what has all this got
to do with ethical veg*nism anyway ?" and suggest the discussion be moved
to alt.fan.lightbulbs , and one to post in quoting this suggestion and add
"What's that ?". So the discussion moves to usenet, as our intrepid vegan-l
subscribers venture beyond the boundaries of email, and alt.fan.lightbulbs
finds itself taking a few days off from the "My incredible light" and
"Lightbulb death" discussions and come up with some new jokes...
A: Eight. One to say it wouldn't have burned out if only it had had more
filament wire, one to say the problem was nothing to do with lack
of filament wire but was in fact caused by too much electricity, one to
agree and post lengthy position and research papers on the subject, one
to point the others to instructions for how to change all your
lightbulbs in 12 days found in a book written by a doctor from California,
one to post extracts from "Don't change your lightbulbs" and to list 5
different organizations supposedly supporting this, one to quote the
entire exchange so far and disagree with it, one to accuse the previous
poster of being anti-vegan, and one to ask "Do you need to combine
fluorescent and incandescent lightbulbs in the same room, or can you just
use the bulbs that complement your decor ?"
Q: How many alt.sex.fetish readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, but where do we get a giant lightbulb?
Q: How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat glistened on her
perfectly rounded breast... Her brother Billy had gone to the hardware
store to get a new lightbulb. Suddenly the door opened and there he stood,
silhouetted against the sharp light from the doorway. She could see the
bulge in his pants.. "They didn't have any lightbulbs but wait'll you get
a load of my hardware", he said as he started unzipping his pants...
Q: How many uk.singles readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Most of them. One female to notice that it had gone out and post something
about how lightbulbs are so masculine to the group, two to post in
disagreeing with this, Susan Macran to post "Bog off stumpy!", a whole
terminal room in Keele to sit there discussing it only among themselves,
one to post a coherent critique of Susan Macran's last post, Kate Smith to
complain that the women always get flamed more than the men, Menya to say
that lightbulbs are sexy as long as they're orange and could someone bring
her a nice hot one, and two people to post in suggesting a boink so they
can all get together and change the lightbulb, with real friendship and
good lighting not relationships uppermost in their minds. During all this
time, not one person dares risk losing points by posting a personals ad.
Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. The sockets all went with the house.
Q: How many w***ers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: They can't. They just move it backwards and forwards, faster and faster,
until it fuses.
Q: How many alt.pagan.* group readers does it take to change a lightbulb
A: None. Torches are more traditional.
A: 23. One to change the bulb and 22 to argue how their family tradition
regarding lightbulbs is more justified and ancient than anyone else's.
Q: How many IRC chatters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each other off
that noone ever has enough time to get anything done !
Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.
Q: How many Europeans does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns?
(Notes : This joke was created after the creator saw the movie 2010.)
Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to check it hasn't
been done already !
A: 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does
it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted
to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it
will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 .
Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no
submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been
submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability
that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about
12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.
A: One.
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
A: ---- You should have hit "n!"
Note: The second answer refers to the way of skipping an article in an
electronic news reading program.
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can
decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar
one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one
come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely
out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new
and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that
that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing
that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb.
Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper
praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.
Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light
Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends
up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's
driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union
steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in lightbulbs.
Q: How many fat-cat factory owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The replacement bulbs have refused to cross the union picket lines.
Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job.
Q: How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
A: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window.
(An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told at a party
or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a completely
irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus of "No, it's
a fish !")
Q: How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: surrealist.
Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in
a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker
spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light
while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs
against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.
(what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)
Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
... and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 24 1/8, but that's down 3/8 from yesterday.
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Q: How many rock stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None. Rock stars only screw in jacuzzis.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "And that's magic !"
Q: How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb?
A: None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None 'o yo' damn business!
(One user suggests that actually, your stereotypical NewYorker would use
the word f**kin' instead of the word damn.)
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to
replace it after the ensuing publicity.
Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
(Very flexible-use against any group you want to imply is nearly nonexistent).
Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Q: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his
greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it,
and one to maintain it afterwards.
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
A: It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules
to do unit testing, it stops working.
A: The change is 90% complete.
A: We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to
maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait
two months?
A: Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we
have who can get the [insert name here] software ready to ship
to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
A: Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer
to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one
lightbulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users
who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which
point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was
a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
A: None. "It's not a bug, it's a feature."
A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as
"None. It's a hardware problem.")
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in,
and two to explain why the project was late.
Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
A: None: "We'll fix it in software."
Q: How long will it take?
A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've
brought with them.
Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A: They replace your fuse box.
Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the
light bulb in question.
Q: How many computer security experts does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2
bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the
potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert
channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See
also the "Orange Book">
Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we
just find them.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2]" he'll mash both the live and
dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Read the man page!
Q: How many UNIX system vendors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. All of the lightbulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such
won't fit your particular implementation of the socket.
(However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)
Q: How many software vendors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and
re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one
of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that
the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use
any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.
A: "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can
just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to lightbulb
version 6.1..."
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they forgot to declare it first
Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
A: 24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile
all the libraries...
Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.00000000001
Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise
20 goto 10
Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his
light-bulb in THEIR socket.
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: False.
Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
[Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP
programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion.
(cf computer dictionary entry: RECURSION - see recursion)
These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as
in the punchline. IT COULD BE IMPROVED:
A: (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))... ]
Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many?
A: It depends : -
If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice
as many as are currently available.
If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant
of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows.
If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the
bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using
PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the
user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for
changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a
spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user
to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure
(prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT
which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve
different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and
prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb
into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to
explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay
to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site
sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to
explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an
incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert
new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is
fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into
a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front
end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little
speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that
management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to
prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking
credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well
as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second
SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of
light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs
(made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and
background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten
to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to
ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.
A: Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
A: Please let us know!
A: That depends; what color is the bulb?
A: It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not. That
needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual,
and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem...
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals
doesn't tip over.
A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15
manuals on the shelf.
A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity
of the) output.
A: It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.
(Notes: SAS is a 4GL. It stands for the Statistical Analysis System and
is a huge conglomerate of programs and procedures for doing a wide variety
of statistical and semi-statistical analyses (not to mention reporting
the results, graphing them, etc.). It is infamous for its huge array of
thick manuals which are difficult to wade through, and hence one can
spend a lot of time trying to find the tiny feature that will do what you
want. Cary is the town in North Carolina where SAS Inc is based, and
where SAS support staff are.)
Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.
(Notes : I don't do APL but anyway, APL primitives are built-in functions that
can permit remarkably powerful programs with a minimum of effort. In APL you
can in 1 or 2 lines make a matrix do just about anything short of singing
'Aida'. You don't have to write code ("hack") to do it.)
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: "The user can work it out."
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.
Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be
working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..."
A: I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology.
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things
wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon
as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician
before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
Q: How many experienced computer users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody week. You'd've
thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they shouldn't bugger
about with it. What's that ? It WAS broken this time you say ? *Blush*
Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card
first, which is extra.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
A: 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince
them that the lightbulb is not functioning per the spec.
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
A: Hmmm... I ran a simulation and got 0.9999999997 pentium designers...
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
(Notes : This refers to the bug recently found in the Pentium. Under certain
circumstances during division the floating point unit loses one bit at the
end, thus reducing the accuracy. Intel has known about this bug for a few
months but didn't admit to it until users found out about it and made it
public. Now they downplay the severity of the bug by saying that it reduces
the accuracy only very little and that it occurs only very rarely. In one
statement they said that `only theoretical mathematicians' will ever notice
it and that non-technical people will not suffer from it.)
Q: How many comp.sys.intel readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 0.999999875
Q: How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard.
A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert
the new one.
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the
bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look
and feel" of the bulb changing method.
A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
A: Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old
sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
A: None - there's no documentation available, so you have to
wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
A: Did you try rebooting with extensions off ?
(Notes : On the Macintosh, certain types of crashes can sometimes be
attributed to not-quite-compatible extensions. One way to find out if one
of the extensions is at fault in a crash is to reboot with extensions off
and see if it crashes again.)
Q: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to sniff the first ones' butt.
Q: How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. As long as she can get under your feet and trip you up while
you're changing it.
Q: How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.
(with eternal thanks to David Cutmore for this timeless classic.)
Q: How many dinosaurs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of years......cos they have to
evolve deposable thumbs so that they can grip the bulb to screw it in. :)
Q: How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open
plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.
Q: How many battery chickens does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 21. 1 to change the bulb, and 20 to provide the current.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
A: Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it.
(thus combining the themes of elephant jokes and lightbulb jokes...)
(any improvements on these answers will be gratefully received...)
Q: Why did the lightbulb cross the road ?
A: Because it saw 2 elephants coming.
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in.
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many insects does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take?
(Notes : Refers to the previous answer.)
Q: How many medflies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None: they do it in the fruit.
(Notes : Medflies are very small flies (drosophila, I think) who eat,
mate and lay their eggs in ripe fruit.)
Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None. They screw in hotel rooms.
Q: How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs.
Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
four to go!
A: Four. One t |