(Preface from original Canonical list site)
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot? Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk? Nobody wants to hit a skunk.
Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers? There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. or Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
What do you do if you run over a lawyer? Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments? 1) there are more of the lawyers to work with, 2) lawyers are more expendable, 3) lawyers do more harm to society than rats, 4) lab assistants are less likely to develop a bond or feel sympathy for them, 5) rats arouse more feelings of compassion and humanity, 6) they multiply faster, 7) rats have an inate right to life and liberty, 8) animal rights groups will not object to their torture, 9) rats have more dignity, and 10) there are some things even a rat won't do. What is the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments? It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because deep down, they are all nice guys!
What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.
How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? Because after they die, they lie still.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat.
How do you kill 4000 lawyers? You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin? Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.
What is the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
What is the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish? One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation? A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? Respect.
What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common? They're all slime.
Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side.
Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.
What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer? You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.
What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them? You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers? He would starve to death.
Why don't hyenas eat lawyers? Even hyenas has some dignity.
What do you call an honest lawyer? An impossibility.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer? Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career? At least he wasn't a lawyer.
What is the difference between pigs and lawyers. You can learn to respect a pig.
What is the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.
Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach? Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities.
Why are lawyers great in bed? They get so much practice screwing people.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?
Why to lawyers wear neckties? To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman.
How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof? About 3 1/2 if you slice them thin enough.
What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? The tie around a lawyer's neck.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association? Yogurt has culture.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.
Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got to pick first.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People couldn't decide which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?
How do you know if a lawyer is well hung? You can't fit a finger between the rope and his neck.
Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort? Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested? An accomplice. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? A lawyer.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: None, lawyers only screw us.
A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A4: How many can you afford?
A5: Three. One to change it and two to keep interrupting by standing up and
shouting "Objection!"
A6: 65. 42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or
negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the
first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and 9 to sue
the bulb manufacturers.
A7: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one
to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to
stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write
interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the
bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A8: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following
agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby
and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of
failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the
front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just
inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any
other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"),
the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing
of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with
all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of
the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described
in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the
rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by
him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the
party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
A9: None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the following bill:
Item Light bulb
Charge $2185
(Itemization of bill charges)
Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) $ 400
Connectivity charge $ 100
Staff charge $ 250
Secretary prepared bill $ 2
Research fee $ 422
Consulting fee $ 431
Paralegal processing fees $ 25
Specialized equipment $ 122
Bought bulb $ 5
Overnight express delivery $ 34
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $ 394
A10: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue
the ladder company.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.
Why has the Baptist church quit baptizing lawyers? Because they can't get the ring out of the baptismal tub. (Baptism in the Baptist church involves complete immersion in what looks like a very large bathtub.)
What did the disgruntled lawyer say? Get off my case!
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Unless otherwise noted, all photos and text is Copyright © Richard G Lowe, Jr.