(Preface from original Canonical list site)
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please. Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS. Patient: Good grief! What's the good news? Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first, I guess. Doctor: You only have one week left to live. Patient: Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now? Doctor: Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I'm taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!
This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face. Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live. Guy: And the bad news? Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease. Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease? You can hide your own Easter eggs. You are always meeting new people. You never have to watch reruns on television.
I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money. The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?
Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, don't do that.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet.
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more? Doctor: Sell!
Patient: Doctor, what fish did you say I have? Doctor: Not a fish, stupid, cancer!
Patient: Doctor, I've got five penises. Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit? Patient: Like a glove.
Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, you've got it again.
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox.
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!
Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual. Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined. Doctor (shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!! Woman (angry): Did you have to say it twice?!? Doctor: I didn't.
Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.
Patient walks into a doctor's office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next!
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem? Doctor: D id you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
Patient: Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show? Doctor: Nothing.
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.
Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent? Doctor: Yes there is...being young and broke.
Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me? Doctor: You have far too much free time.
Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it? Patient (with a grin): Black pepper!
Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor. Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don't touch a drop. Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don't smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.
Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious? Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses. Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener! Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body? Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!
Congratulations, Mr Brown, you're in great shape for a man of sixty. Pity you're only forty.
Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out." Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit.
Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!! Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off.
Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor? Doctor: A kite!
Do you find it difficult passing water, Mr Sozzle? No, doctor. But I do find it hard to pass a pub!
Bill: My wife beats me, doctor' Doctor: Oh dear. How often? Bill: Every time we play Scrabble! Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually. Liz: But I'm the examiner!
Trish: My tummy is getting awfully big, doctor. Doctor: You should diet. Trish: Really? What colour?
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better? Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet...
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don't see why not," replies the doctor. "That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
A woman decides that she's not amply enough endowed in the chest, so she goes
to her plastic surgeon about getting implants.
"What are my options?" she asks the doctor.
"Well," the doctor responded, "The very best, most realistic implants are
made of silicone."
"Okay. What's the price tag on those?"
"$25,000."
The woman sighed. "I don't have $25,000 to spare. Are there any other
options?"
"The next best type of implants are rubber. They're less realistic, but the
process is quite a bit cheaper, about $10,000."
The woman shook her head. "I'm afraid I just can't afford that. Sorry I
wasted your time."
"Wait," said the doctor. "There is one more option, but it's in the
experimental stages. If you're willing to try it out, it will be free."
"Okay," said the woman cautiously. "What kind of implants are these?"
"Balloons," replied the doctor. "It requires a less invasive procedure, but
they must be reinflated periodically."
The woman decided to go for the operation. It was successful, and when it
was all finished the doctor showed her how to inflate them, like this: {Put
fingers on chest just above bosom. Move your elbows up and down like a chicken
flapping its wings.} So, once she fully recovered, the woman went to a singles
bar. She spied a likely-looking prospect on the other side of the bar. She
walked over, making sure that her breasts were inflated {repeat chicken-wing
motion}.
"Pardon me," she said to the man, "but haven't I seen you here before?"
{say the following line while scissoring legs open and closed} "No, but we
have the same doctor!"
A woman came into a doctor's surgery and complained to him about her flat chest. "Doctor, my life's terrible. No man takes any interest in me because of my flat chest. It's driving me crazy. You must help me somehow doctor or I'll do something drastic." Examining her chest, the doctor agreed that it was indeed very flat, although he told her that the condition wasn't abnormal. However, seeing her extreme state of distress the doctor told her, "There is a series of exercises that can be used to develop a larger chest, but I'm afraid it requires a lot of discipline and persistence." "Oh doctor, tell me please. I'm so desperate that I promise that I'll do whatever you recommend." "Well, you must stand upright with your arms horizontal and bent so that your hands are in front of your chest." The woman duly stood up and did as the doctor told her. "Now, quickly push your elbows repeatedly backwards to the rhythm 'I must. I must. I must. I must increase my bust'. This will exercise your pectoral muscles. If you do this every 15 minutes for 2 months you should find that your breasts will grow larger. But you must do it every 15 minutes." The woman carried out the exercise saying, "I must. I must. I must. I must increase my bust." Thanking the doctor the woman left and went outside to the bus stop to await her ride home. During her wait, she looked at her watch and realised that it was time for her exercise. So she got her arms in the right position and, pushing back her elbows, exercised to the rhythm, "I must. I must. I must. I must increase my bust." When she'd finished, she felt a tap on her shoulder and, turning around, she found a small, weakly looking man standing behind her. He asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me the time?" "Sure", she replied, "it's 10 past 3." The man said, "Oh dear, it's time." and proceeded to hop up and down saying "Hickory dickory dock..."
Death: What some patients do, in the end, to humiliate the doctor.
Seen in the comic strip "Herman": Scene: doctor talking to a patient lying in a hospital bed "Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right."
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted. "What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor. "Well," said the woman, "I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it." "Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?" So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea. "Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?" The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said, "Well my perversion is... My perversion... Oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!" "Shit, is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!" So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, "Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum." Anyway, fifteen minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. "Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you said you were a pervert?" "Oh I am," said the doctor, "I've just shit in your handbag."
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor. Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can't (FFFART!!) stop farting. Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach down, on the couch. The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man farting all the time this is going on. Doctor: Aha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment. The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike at one end. Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with (FFFARTT!!) that?! Doctor: I need to open a window.
Chico Marx, a member of the famed Marx Brothers, once told the story of how a bout of stomach trouble had sent him to the doctor. The doctor prescribed plenty of milk and gave Chico a bottle of pills. "I'll stop by this evening and see how you're doing," the doctor said. "In the meantime, drink at least four glasses of milk. Milk is the ticket for curing your trouble. So drink plenty of it." That evening, the doctor returned, examined Chico and told him, "You're much better this evening. Just be sure you don't drink any milk. Not one glass. It's not for you." "But, doctor," Chico exclaimed, "only this morning you told me that milk was what I needed and that I should drink four glasses of it." "Well, what do you know?" the doctor replied. "It certainly goes to show that we've made tremendous progress in medicine since the last time I saw you."
There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City." The second one says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in New York City." The third one says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends... One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city."
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not' I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
There was two businessmen, whose names happened to be Mr. Turtle and Mr. Carrot and one day, as they were coming back from lunch, Mr. Turtle says to Mr. Carrot, "You know, you're getting fat." To which Mr Carrot says, "You're not so slim yourself!" So Mr. Turtle says, "Okay, we'll see who is the least fit, race you back to the office." So the race starts and they had only got about a block down the street when Mr. Turtle crosses the road in front of a car and gets bowled. Mr. Carrot sees that he's in a pretty bad way, so he rushes to the phone and calls Mr. Cabbage, the ambulance driver. Mr. Cabbage duly arrives and piles Mr. Turtle into the ambulance and rushes to V-8 hospital. Mr. Turtle follows and as soon as he gets to the hospital he asks the nurse, Miss Cauliflower, whether he will be alright. "Miss Cauliflower, Miss Cauliflower, will Mr. Turtle be alright?" She replies, "Well, I couldn't really say, you'll have to ask Dr. Bean." So he rushes over to Doctor Bean and says, "Doctor Bean, Doctor Bean, will Mr. Turtle be alright?" And the Doctor says, "Well, I wouldn't like to say, you'd best ask the specialist, Doctor Pea." So of course, Mr. Carrot rushes over to Doctor Pea and says, "Doctor Pea, Doctor Pea, will Mr. Turtle be alright?" And Doctor Pea says, "I've done all I can for him, it's all in the hands of the Surgeon, Dr. Turnip." So Mr. Carrot waits outside the surgery for three hours until they have finished the operation and rushes up to Dr. Turnip and says, "Doctor Turnip, Doctor Turnip, will Mr Turtle be alright?" And Dr. Turnip turns to him and says, "We did all we could, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life..."
A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about." "I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there." When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband's mouth. "Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse." "I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him."
One night in the pub, the publican is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out." Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees. So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics. He says to the publican, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time." The publican has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat crisps and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk but they behave themselves. At closing time the publican adds up the bill and it comes to just over a hundred pounds! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount. "Its eighty quid," he says. The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got change for a dustbin lid?"
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.
A guy goes to his doctor and is told that he has 6 months to live. "6 months!!" he exclaimed. "What am I supposed to do in only 6 months?" His doctor told him, "Marry a JAP and move to Montana." "Why?" the guy asked. "Because 6 months will seem like an eternity!"
Received from someone who thought it was a true story: A kid had cut open a golf ball and had *eaten* the liquid centre. The stuff in this case was a thick, dark fluid, and the child's mother naturally assumed that it was some petroleum product. She frantically called the family doctor, and as she was rushing to the doctor's office with the apparently poisoned kid, the general practitioner was rapidly flipping through the "Common Household Poisons" book. There was no mention of golf balls in it. The doctor called up a golf ball manufacturer and explained the situation; but they said that their golf balls had a solid core. "I wish I'd asked the name of the manufacturer!" the doctor lamented. The ball manufacturer helpfully named their sole competitor that made balls with liquid centres. Another quick phone call, and the answer: the centre was made of cod liver oil.
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects." "What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously. "Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on."
A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" The man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
"Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!"
An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.
Heard on Leno's monologue: The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie. The doctor says, "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?" To which the fellow responds, "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"
There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He
wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after
things while he was gone.
The vet asked, "Is anything happening?"
The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby
will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her
third and the first two went really easily."
The vet said, "okay" and the doctor went on the fishing trip.
When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?"
"Pretty good."
"Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?"
"Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine."
"Did you have any trouble?"
"Well, there was just one little problem."
"What was that?"
"I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"
One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor. "So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said. "The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. "No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit. Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"
An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks for stool, urine, blood, and semen samples. The old man can't believe it. He takes all his little sample jars and goes home. At home, he tells his wife that the doctor wants stool, urine, blood, and semen samples. The wife looks aghast and then realisation spreads like the dawn across her wrinkled facial features. "That's easy," she says, relief obvious in her voice. "All he wants is your pajama pants."
An elderly couple decide to have a baby, so they go to the doctor to get a physical examination of the wife. The wife is delared in perfect health, but the doctor says that he also would need to check the husband's semen in order to accurately advise the couple. The husband is a bit taken aback, and says, "Listen, I'm getting old. I can only "do that" about once a week." The doctor answers that he understands perfectly and gives the couple a vial, telling the husband to come back next week with a semen sample. The next week, the husband comes in with an empty vial. The perplexed doctor asks the husband what went wrong. The husband answers, "Well...I tried it with my right hand and I tried it with my left hand, I tried hot water, I tried cold water, I tried soap, my wife tried it with her hand, my wife even tried it with her mouth, I even tried banging it against the sink...but we still couldn't get the top off the damn bottle!"
The resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance."
It is said that the limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember nothin' besides." Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then yelled out, "Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shee-it." "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you're memory is acting up, just take the other pill." And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.
There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: General Practitioners know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists knows everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.
Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen. So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that maybe there was a problem with her. The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did. He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady, "Know what your problem is, you have zactly." The lady then asked, "What is zactly?" The doctor said, "Lady your mouth smells zactly like your ass."
After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position. "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman. "Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, "I've just got to marry this woman, I love her so much..." So the doctor says, "Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure. Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, "We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%." The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!"
First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to work in construction. One day last year his hand got run over by a bulldozer. Whatever those doctors did, it's really amazing - today he's a concert pianist. Second man: That's nothing. I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I ever knew. He was really fat and out of shape. He was trying to hitch a ride one day and got hit by a truck. Broke nearly every damn bone in his body. Somehow they put him back together better than he was before. Now he's a triathlete and he's planning to try out for the olympics. Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't do a whole lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave him a job as a stockboy. Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one day and gets locked in. It's dark and he can't find the door. Not being too bright, he lit a match to try and find his way. The whole place exploded. All they could find of him was a few fingers and his eyebrows. From that little bit they were able to put him back together and today that kid is the governor of Massachusetts.
A man goes to see his doctor. He pokes himself in the arm, leg, and torso, complaining that it hurts when he does this. The doctor asked him if he was Polish. The man replied that he was. To which the doctor replied that the finger was broken.
A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've go microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?" "Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up."
This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt it." "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" "Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain."
There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news. "Ohhhh no!!!" the patient wailed, "I'll never be able to experience an erection again!" "Of course you'll still be able to experience erections," replied one surgeon, "only it will have to be someone else's."
A woman goes to the hospital to visit a girlfriend who is about to have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor... Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the organ? Doctor: Well, she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in business? Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that have to do with anything? Doctor: Well, she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!
This guy goes into a doctors and says, "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day," he answers back. "That's not so much," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do," says the man. "Twice a day."
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
What is the proper medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit? A Hare Cut.
Some doctors say the practice of circumcision is petering out.
There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods." The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!" The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid." The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up." Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!" The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."
A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable
scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and
reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true
nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you
may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained
in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research
paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the
well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course
of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred
duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
From "What The Queen Said", by Stoddard King: The Doctors Nowadays there's little meaning For a person to be gleaning When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name He may be a chiropractor Or a painless tooth extractor He's entitled to the title just the same. Or perhaps he is a preacher Or a lecturer or teacher, Or an expert who cures chickens of the pip; He may keep a home for rummies, Or massage fat people's tummies, Or specialize in ailments of the hip. Everybody is a "doctor," From the backwoods herb concocter To the man who takes bunions from your toes; From the frowning dietician To the snappy electrician Who shocks you loose from all the body's woes. So there's very little meaning For a sufferer to be gleaning When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name. He may pound you, he may starve you, He may cut your hair or carve you, You have got to call him Doctor all the same!
Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites Jim's prick! "AAIIIIIII!!" He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?" "We should call for a doctor." WHAMMM! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a telephone box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor. RING, RING. RING, RING. J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do? D: What kind of snake? J: A one meter, green-yellow one. D: Aye, aye. J: ? D: Those are very dangerous. J: What can we do? D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise, your friend will be dead within half an hour. Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking already, asks what the doctor said. Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.
A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball. "Here's your baby, maam" says the doctor. The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window. Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers, "My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!" The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says, "April Fools!!! He was already dead!"
The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world. "Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I think there's yet another wee bairn to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?"
A blond guy visits the hospital. "I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully. "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with your wife?" "Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!" So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively simple, the blond guy only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his way home, he meets a friend. "Well, hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of days," his friend says. "No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond. "Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!" "Really? So, what's up?" "I'm going to be vaccinated." "Oh, shit!! That's what it's called!"
(Variation of the above joke) A man went to his doctor and said, "I want to be castrated." "What?" said the doctor, "surely you don't want that." "Yes," said the man, "that's what I want; I insist." So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for. "Oh, I was circumsized," the man said. "Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? That depends on whether it has health insurance. Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later. None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary. None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
How is an undertaker like a bottle of Robitussin? They both take away the coffin.
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Let me guess, you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Washington State. Why do you ask?"
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated." The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point." So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular." "That's right," exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34." The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!"
A really handsome man had a high squeaky voice. He was surrounded by girls except they ran off at the sound of his voice. So he went to the doctor. The doctor said he could fix the problem by cutting off the man's penis. The man agreed to the surgery, and sure enough his voice went to normal and he was surrounded by women. Later he decided to get a whole new wardrobe. The tailor took a look at him and rattled of figures ending up with underwear size 36. The man said no I wear size 30. The tailor said, "I've been doing this for years trust me. If you wore size thirty you voice would be high and squeaky."
A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice. The doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace his extremely large penis with a smaller one. The guy is desperate and decides to go through with the operation. It's a great success and the man has a fantastic baritone. But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to see the doctor to try get his original equipment back. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life has gone to pot." "Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, annoying voice.
One day there was a guy who always scream when he talks. Every time he tries to talk to his family and friends the first thing they do is cover their ears because the guy was about to scream. So his family suggest him to go to the doctor for a reason why he always scream. Doctor: What is the problem, sir? Man: (screaming) I don't know? D: Why do you scream all the time? M: (screaming) I don't know? The doctor looks at his doctor book to try to find a cure for his ever screaming voice. D: Well sir I think I know what the problem is. M: (scream) What is it? D: You must have a hugh penis. It turns out that the guy had a hugh 20 inch penis. So the doctor suggest that he remove 13 inches of his penis so that his voice will become normal. After surgery, the guy wakes up and tried to talk. "Um... hello... hello" His voice turned out to be normal as the doctor said that it would be. So four months later, the guy was curious what the doctor did with the rest of the 13 inches that he cut out. Maybe for research purposes or something he thought. He calls the doctor and asked him: Man: Sir you performed surgery on my penis a few months back. Do you remember? Doctor: Hmm Hmm Man: Well I was just wondering. What did you do with the rest of the 13 inches. Doctor: (screaming) I threw it away!!!!!
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor, "Doctor, my penis has been burning lately." And the doctor said reassuringly, "Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it."
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The doctor examined him and asked, "What happened?" "Well, doc, I live in a trailer park," the man explained, "And from where I am, I can see this absolutely stunning and gorgeous babe. She's blonde and built like a Corvette, just all curves. Anyway, she's so horny that every night I see her take a hotdog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floorboard of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hotdog. "And?" prompted the doctor. "Well," said the man, "I felt that this was a lot of wasted pussy, so, one day, I slid myself underneath her trailer and when she put the hotdog into the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. It was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off my hotdog and tried to kick it under the stove."
A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, "Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red." Doctor replied, "Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40." The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell. His friend said, "Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?" So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, "Doc, George recommended you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue." Doc asks to take a look. "Ah yes... Ummm... Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400." "FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS?" Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40." "Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."
A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50. The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes. After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it. "I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.
A South African doctor wrote about an epitaph he had seen in a local cemetery: In memory of my father: gone to join his appendix, his tonsils, his olfactory nerve, a kidney, an eardrum, and a leg prematurely removed by an intern who needed the experience.
A lady midget goes into a doctor's office on a rainy day and tells the doctor, "Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible pain in my crotch." He says, "Hop up on the examination table and I'll see what I can do." She gets up on the table, he works on her awhile, and then he tells her, "Okay, hop down." She gets down off the table, stands there a second, and then says, "Doc! I feel great! What'd you do?" He says, "I cut two inches off the top of your galoshes."
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woke up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, "I could really go for an ice cream cone." Hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one." Wife says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down." Hubby replies, "No I won't; what do you want?" Wife says, "Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles." Hubby replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember. Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns. The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost." The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted." The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?! Wife says, "I knew you you should have written the order down." Hubby says, "What do you mean - every thing is there?" To which the wife replies, "No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles."
It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden. Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?" Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...? Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?" Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?
A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!"
This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor. Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..." Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!"
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now." Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"
A man went to a doctor. Some say he went there to have an operation to become Polish; others say he wanted to become an Aggie; there's yet another faction who claims that he wanted to work at the post office; still others say he wanted to make his hair permanently blond. Regardless, the doctor asked him why, and he said it was something he always wanted to do, how he wanted to be able to relate to his friends, all of whom I suppose were blond Polish graduates of Texas A&M who had found jobs at the local P. O. Anyway, the doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain. The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue (a product of Scar Wars technology, I suppose), the operation was planned. The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off. 95, 94, 93... Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for minutes on end, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient. When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down: 6, 5, 4... He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Jesus, Matty and Felipe!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me! Say anything!!" The man looked at him and said, "Hi, you're watching MTV, and we just heard..."
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. The man bursts into tears. "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
"Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me. It's really strange, sometimes I feel like a teepee." The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue. So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam." To which the doctor says, "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're just two tents." (Too tense, get it? :-) )
There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born with only a head - no arms, no legs, nothing but a head. Now Timmy was a basically happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition, but as soon as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was seriously wrong. He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and legs and a body. He thought of nothing else. It became an obsession. Then one day, Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration. Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had himself rushed to the doctor and made an appointment. When the doctor met with Timmy all of his hopes and dreams came true. The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him and would make him into a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a dramatic change and he should consider all of the ramifications. She began to list some of the many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She consented and game Timmy the injection that would start the process. Timmy went home and tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually, he fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke Timmy was surprised to discover that he was a whole person. He had arms and legs and a body. He was so excited and grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house, across the street and was hit by a truck and killed. And of course the moral of our story is: While you're a head, stay ahead.
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"
A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat. He stops his car, looks outside. There is nobody around. Also he realizes that the road he was riding was near the mental hospital. In short, he realizes that there is no available cheap labor to change the flat tire. The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks up the car, removes the tire, puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to get the spare tire, trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby storm sewer. There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap labor, helpless. Suddenly, he hears someone yelling "Hey you!" looks and finds that there is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars). The patient behind the bars says, "I have been watching you for a while and saw the terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help." "How?" asks the WASP. "Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each of the other three wheels and put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to the nearest gas station." "You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and continues, "Why did they locked you in?" "They put me in because I am a loonie," the guy tells the WASP and continues, "Not because I am stupid."
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven." (This one is true!)
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods? Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
This guy goes to his doctor to ask him a question. The doctor says, "What can I do for you?" "Well doctor, I have a question for you. I masturbate, and I was wondering how often is too often." "Hmmm," the doctor says, "how often do you do it?" "Three times a day." the man says. "Yeah, that might be a little excessive. Have you considered finding yourself a girlfriend?" "I have a girlfriend, doctor," says the man. "I mean a girlfriend for the bedroom as well..." the doctor says. The man says, "Oh, she is, that's not the problem. The problem is, she doesn't like to do it during mealtimes."
A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times... He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!" The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says: "Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, i already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!"
An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother." "Get serious doctor, I'm 80." "I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle." "I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, "You rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!" There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's calling please?."
There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work. However, the doctor suggested, "If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder." The old man agreed. The old man didn't see the doctor for a year, when they met at a fund-raiser. The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant." "That's good news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help." "Oh," said the old man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well."
An old man got married to an 18 years old girl. One day, he went to a doctor and told him that he wanted to have a kid. The doctor thought for a while and said to the man, "If you and your wife don't mind, I suggest that you should find someone to help you." The man thought for a while and left the clinic. Few months later, the old man returned to the doctor again with smiley face. To the doctor, he said, "Thank you, doc. I followed your suggestion and found someone to help me. Now my wife is pregnant. Thanks, thanks." The doctor could not keep his wonder, so he asked, "Uh.., congratulations, but how about the one who helped you?" The old man doubled his smile and replied, "Oh! She is pregnant, also!"
This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests. "Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test," the doctor said. The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, "Are you alright?" "No" the old man said. "This just isn't going to work." he dejectedly explained. "There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink. But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!"
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am always farting all of the time. Although they don't smell, they do make loud noises, and it is affecting my social life." The doctor gives him some pills and asks him to return next week. He returns, and says, "Those pills did no good. In fact they made things worse. I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible." To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your nose working again, let's work on your farting."
I recently went to see my doctor. I said, "Doctor, it's me dick!" I flopped it onto the desk, and the doctor asked, "so what's the problem?" And I said, "Nuthin. It's a beauty, ain't it!"
Jokes about Kenneth Clarke, when U. K. Secretary of State for Health: What do you call a man who ignores doctors' advice? The health secretary. Kenneth Clarke dies this morning. Doctors said his condition was 'satisfactory'.
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor. "Okay," says the medic, "let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive lowered." The doctor, incredulous, says, "What?? You want your sex drive _lowered_??" To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"
There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!"
Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world. One physician says, "Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!" The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"
Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that doesn't work, why then he can go to the ophthalmologist. So a month later (Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureaucracy) he is shown to the doc's office. The following dialogue ensues. Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble? Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy! Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms. Syadov: Well, I.. OK. I... I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear what I see! At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains: "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."
This old man takes his wife to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor takes the man aside and says, "I've got some bad news for you. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, but I can't tell which." "That's terrible," says the man, "what should we do?" "Well," replies the doctor, "I'll give you a thirty minute head start before I send her home. And if she makes it, don't fuck her!!!"
A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?" Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door." The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..." Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven! Daddy's pissing in the refrigerator again!"
A man returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive. "Fuck!" says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"
A man, 92 years old, is told by his doctor that he has tested positive for HIV. Distraught and befuddled, he retires as usual to spend the afternoon at the park bench with other senior citizens. He tells his friend, "Can you believe it? I have HIV...at 92!" His friend replies, "You think you have troubles? I have IBM at 80!"
What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to grow." So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy a bottle of pills. An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too. The doc says, "Take 3 of these a day." "No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves. Then a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says, "Nah, I'll take 24!" and leaves. The next day all three guys come into the office. 1st: "Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!" 2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behind me!" Cowboy: "Yeeee-Haaah!"
A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this," she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"
Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients? Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!
Once upon a time a sailor ran into his doctor's office and begged him for help. He pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his dick, which was sporting a ruby red ring around the tip. He asked the doctor if there was any cure for this strange VD that had appeared. The doctor just smiled, soaked a cloth in alcohol, and rubbed the end of the dick three times. The sailor looked down and saw that the ring was gone. Ecstatic, he paid the doctor and ran off to catch his ship. A few months later, another sailor came to the doctor and said to him: "A few months back, my buddy came here with a ring around his dick, and he said you just rubbed it three times and he was cured. Well, I have a similar problem..." The sailor pulled down his pants and showed off his dick, which was sporting an emerald green ring around the tip. Well, the doctor just reached into a pocket, took out a large knife, and with one whack cut off the sailor's dick. "What did you do that for!?" screamed the sailor in agony. "Your buddy had lipstick around his dick," explained the doctor, "You had gangrene."
Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!
What does the M. D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for? Mentally deficient.
How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a Soviet emigre doctor? He signs his name under "cause of death."
Did you hear about the Soviet emigre doctor who cured a guy from jaundice and strabismus? The autopsy showed that the patient was Chinese.
A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains: "Doctor, when I wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get pregnant." "Evidently you don't breed in captivity."
A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable. "Haven't you been examined like this before?" asks the doctor. "Many times," she giggles, "but never by doctor."
A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor. He instructs her to go behind the screen and undress. She walks stark naked from behind the screen and says, indignantly: "Doctor, why didn't you undress too?"
A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor for an examination. He tells her to undress and lie down. She asks: "But will you marry me?"
A man comes to a Soviet emigre doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors."
A Soviet emigre surgeon tells a patient: "The operation will cost three thousand dollars, but we can save a little by not sharpening the knife."
During an operation, the nurse tells the Soviet emigre surgeon: "Doctor, this is the third operating table you've destroyed this month. Don't cut so deep."
One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did that appendectomy go?" "Appendectomy?" shrieks the other. "I though it was an autopsy!"
One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?" "It was a success until we dropped the patient off the table."
One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?" "The operation was a success, but the patient died."
What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon? He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.
"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasts a Soviet emigre psychiatrist, "and Medicaid pays for both of them!"
A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. "You've been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.~Ivanov for the last six months. Haven't you noticed that Mr.~Ivanov has passed away?" "Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery."
A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor. "What's bothering you?" "You charge Medicaid hundred dollars and ask me what bothering me? Figure out yourself!" "You should have gone to a veterinarian. They figure out what's bothering patients who can't tell."
A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say: "Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?" The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars." They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day. On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly." The boy explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid."
A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctor's advice because his breath smells terrible. The doctor examines him and says: "Either stop biting your nails or stop scratching your hemorrhoids."
A Soviet emigre goes to a doctor to complain about constipation. The doctor unblocks him with a pneumatic drill and advises him not to wipe his ass with a cement bag in the future.
A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor to show a red ring around the base of his penis. The doctor decides it's some unusual of venereal disease and prescribes antibiotics, but they don't help, and one week later the ring is still there. The doctor then sends a piece of penis skin covered with red to a lab for analysis. The lab reports: "The lipstick can be removed with soap and water."
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated. The patient goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D. Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself."
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks, "Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?" "Worse," says the doctor. "It's frostbite."
Did you hear about the Soviet emigre who told his doctor he contracted a venereal disease from a wet dream?
Why was the Soviet emigre woman nicknamed "Venus"? Not for her beauty, but because there always was something venereal in her.
A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor. "Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other. They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. "Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?" "Well", said the man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas."
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor. After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help. "Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor. "Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?" "Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."
A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him, "Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?" The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line." The others say, "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!" A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "Who does that guy think he is?" "Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor."
After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. "Tell me, how are you feeling now?" he asked. "A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?" "Oh, that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been asked that after a tonsilectomy before."
This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby. Doctor: I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs... Father: Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it. Doctor: He's got no arms either... Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it! Doctor: And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an ear... Father: ... Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it. Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!! Doctor: Louder!!! He's deaf too...
A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor?." One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?" "I've been stung by a bee." "Oh really, where?" "Between the first and second hole" "Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."
Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed
Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential
distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or
established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or
physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration
to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of
their perpetrator. While implementation of any of these activities is not
specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in
any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of
common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs. Widespread or
accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or
superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to
all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.
The Surgeon General warns:
1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher
meal.
2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
3. Never moon a werewolf.
5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your
accomplice!"
6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.
7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
15. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
18. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
19. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your
parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
26. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
28. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper
in your hand.
29. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too
hot."
31. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to
cheat again next year.
35. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian
homeland.
I was sorry to hear that a friend of mine dropped out of med school. He really wanted to be a doctor, but just couldn't stand the sight of money.
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me? Doctor: Yes... You're fucking crackers.
While we're on the subject of questionable doctors: A former professor of mine once mentioned that a physician friend of his used to ask (in the old days) his female patients prior to physical examinations: "Should I shave my beard first?" It took me a while to get it.
Aggie/Blonde/Moron/whatever Dictionary Of Medical Terms Anti-Body against everyone Artery study of paintings Bandages The Rolling Stones Bacteria back door to a cafeteria Barium what to do when treatment fails Botulism tendency to make mistakes Bowel letters lik A E I O or U Caesarean Section a district in Rome Cardiology advanced study of poker playing Cat Scan searching for ones lost kitty Cauterize made eye contact with her Colic sheep dog Coma punctuation mark Congenital friendly Cortisone the local courthouse D & C where Washington is Dilate to live long Enema not a friend Enteritis a penchant for burglary ER the things on your head that you hear with Fester quicker Fibrillate to tell lies Genes blue denim slacks Genital non-Jewish Hangnail coat hook Hemorrhoid a male From outer space Herpes what women do in the Ladies Room Hormones what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid ICU peek-a-boo Impotent distinguished, well known Inpatient tired of waiting Labor Pain hurt at work Medical Staff a doctor's cane Minor Operation coal digging Morbid a higher bid Nitrate cheaper than the Day Rate Node was aware of Organ transplant what you do to your piana when you move Organic organ repairman Outpatient a person who has fainted Paralyze two far-fetched stories Pathological a reasonable way to go Pharmacist person who makes a living dealing in agriculture Plaster cast the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert Post-Operative a letter carrier Protein in favor of young people Recovery Room place to upholster furniture Rectum what happened to the Corvette Red blood count Dracula Rheumatic amorous Saline where you go on your boyfriend's boat Secretion hiding something Surgery a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply Sterile solution not using the elevator during a fire Tablet a small table Terminal Illness getting sick at the airport Tibia country in North Africa Triple bypass better than a quarterback sneak Tumor an extra pair Urine opposite of "You're Out" Varicose nearby Vein conceited
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Taxonomy Of Medical Professions An acher of bacteriologists A murmur of cardiologists A stain of cytotechnologists A rash of dermatologists A speck of forensic pathologists A poke of gynecologists A vessel of heart surgeons A clot of hematologists A nursery of obstetricians A dose of pharmacists A pile of proctologists A G-spot of sex therapists A stream of urologists
Sigmund Freud had many interesting things to say about people's attitudes to laundry. Here is a quick test to see how you relate to it: When watching your clothes going round in the tumble drier, what do you look out for? A Jeans B Shirts C Socks D Sex What frightens you most about going into the laundrette? A Losing one sock of your favorite pair B Putting whites and colors together so the colors mix C Spiders D Sex What do you use to wash your clothes? A Bold B Persil C Ariel D Bio-Sex When waiting for the washing machine to finish, what do you do? A Walk away and do something else B Stand and look at it C Sit and look at it D Lie down and do something else You see a coffee stain on one of your shirts. What does it remind you of? A Someone you know B Coffee C A butterfly D Sex If you answered D to most of these questions, then I would be most interested to meet you and discuss it at greater length.
How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes? Pull down their genes!
The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead headline "United States" "Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada by Daniel Haney, AP Science writer Washington - Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, largely because [...] [...] U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects social differences between the two countries. "Frostbite of the nose is not as expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly." he said.
Bio-Medical Journal, 1985; 291:630-2. "The Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America in its search for offending pollens took samples of Los Angeles air. Right outside its trendy Westside office, this analysis showed that 40 percent of the collected contaminants were from marijuana."
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live." The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?" The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us."
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? Father: Okay, ask. Son: When a doctor himself needs doctoring so that another doctor doctors the doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring of the doctor being doctored doctor as he wants to doctor. Father : !!!??????!!!
The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."
What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist? A hematologist pricks your finger.
A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit." That's an MD promise.
A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: "Name the three best advantages of mother's milk." The student immediately writes, "One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby. Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections." But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes, "Three: It comes in such nice containers."
A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take it ill to be railed at by a man in a fever. Just so should a wise man treat all mankind, as a physician treats a patient, and look upon them only as sick and extravagant. - Seneca
A patient goes to a Polish doctor: Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough. Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days, then return for a checkup. Seven Days Later: Patient: Thanks a million, doctor. At least, I can hear myself cough NOW. So what did you do to make me hear better? Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough.
A guy hasn't been feeling well for a while, so he goes to the doctor for a check-up. After he sees the doctor, the doc tells him he has a very serious condition and would like to talk to his wife. So the man leaves and sends his wife in. The doctor tells the wife that her husband has a very serious condition and that he is going to die. However, the doctor tells her that there is one way she can save his life: She must cook him 3 meals a day and have sex with him every night for 6 months and then he'll be OK. When the wife leaves the office her husband asks her what the doctor said. She looks at her husband and tells him, "He said you're gonna die."
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health. The mathematician says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.
Exercise Excuses, from "Men's Health" Here are some excuses doctors and physical therapists heard from patients explaining why they can't exercise, according to "The Physician and Sportsmedicine": "An earthquake drained my pool." "My dog ate my running shoes." "I can't exercise because of the grizzly bear." (Heard near a popular walking path in Anchorage, Alaska) "My wife would be angry with me if I lost weight." "If I exercise, I might not have enough energy left over for sex." "I can't because of the volcanic ash." "The TV at the gym is always on something I don't want to watch."
A Des Moines, Iowa physician has discovered a sure cure for nervousness in women. He tells them that it's a sign of old age.
Unusual Case by William A. Morton, Jr, MD From "Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality" July, 1991 p. 15 Scrotum Self-Repair One morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum. Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard. We X-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed. Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop during lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification. Note: William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls.
Dear doctor, Both my wife and I are sterile. Is there any possibility that we will pass this on to our children? Dear doctor, My husband and I have two children and would love to have another. But I read that every third child born is Chinese. Being that we are of Italian descent, do you think we should take that chance?
Doctors at University Hospital in Amsterdam, Holland, are piping disco music into incubators to improve the breathing rhythm of premature babies. The doctors say they started the technique with Perry Como records, but found infant breathing was too slow and unable to keep a beat, so they switched to disco.
A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight." "Eighty-eight," she purred. "Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'" "Eighhty...eighhhhtttt." "Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you one more time to say 'Eighty-eight.'" "One, two, three, four, five..."
An then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.
After making love, the woman said the man, "So, you're a doctor?" "That's right," replied the doctor smugly. "Betcha don't know what kind of doctor." "Ummm...I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist." "Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did you know?" asked the guy. "Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn't feel a thing."
As public television viewers in 12 cities sat glued to their sets while doctors in Philadelphia reconstructed 15-month-old Michele Miller's skull during a two-hour operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller of Princeton, N.J., opted to watch "The Wizard of Oz" instead.
From Harper's Index: Number of people who aren't doctors, but play them on TV : 57 Number of people who aren't doctor's, but play them in hospitals : 5,840
After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR." The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here."
At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic. "What's it cure?" asks a member of the audience. "Nothing we don't already have a drug for," the internist replies. "Well, what's so miraculous about it?" "One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times."
The government in the Malaysian state of Perlis, during August of 1994, announced that it would crack down on conservative female Muslim physicians who use pencils or pens or long objects to examine male patients. Many Muslims believe it is a sin if a woman touches a man other than her husband.
A medic arrives on the scene to find a West Virginian paramedic performing CPR with his hands over the woman's breasts instead of over the sternum. The medic says, "Shouldn't you change your hand position?" The West Virginian paramedic says, "You're right!" At this point, he places his hands on the opposite breasts.
In March 1994, the Tennessee Health Department recommended a fine against Mary Spaniard, who, said the Department, permitted her husband, who is also her office manager, to perform an unsupervised ultrasound test on a female patient in 1992. The test requires that the machine's probe be inserted into the patient's vagina.
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, December 12, 1994
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General
10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital
gown.
7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally
Struthers.
4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in
school.
1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.
[Music: "Like a Surgeon" by Weird Al Yankovic]
Reuters News Service - Paul Bint, 32, a former psychiatric patient, likes to play doctor. Enough, in fact, that he attended to patients in British hospitals and bragged to a friend that he was adept at taking out spleens. He pleaded guilty this week to nine charges of burglary, theft, obtaining property by deception and forging a prescription.
What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? A stethoscope.
From a USA Today article: Houston plastic surgeon Jean Cukier was having difficulty with a lamp in his office, so he decided he had better unplug it. He was rewarded by a nasty shock. Feeling lightheaded, he went into his own operating room and hooked himself up to a heart monitor, which showed an unstable rhythm. While an assistant called for an ambulance, Dr. Cukier put his defibrillator paddles on his own chest and shocked himself again, normalizing his heart beat.
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Unless otherwise noted, all photos and text is Copyright © Richard G Lowe, Jr.